Hi.

I didn’t edit whatever the hell I wrote. These words are what came out. Yes I’m aware of the grammar mistakes. But I couldn’t care less.

This might not be for everyone.

I have this urge to open up to you guys.
You inspirational people in this freakin inspirational site!
Because one, I know not many people are going to read this, two, I don’t know any of you... you’re all strangers to me and three, I actually don’t have any friends. Well maybe I do. But they’re on the other side of the world and we weren’t even that close to begin with. I really only hang out with them because they were the only ones that really accepted me.
I’ve been homeschooled you see and live in a foreign country, which makes it hard to have friends.

That night.
My emotions took control over me.
I was like a fucking volcano erupting.
I couldn’t keep my emotions bottled up any longer.
Part of me wanted to conceal it from everybody else... my parents, my sister and only friend and my brother who i don’t even consider to be my brother anymore... I’m not sure.
I’m confused.

That night, I felt unloved and unwanted.
No one understood me.
No one cared about me.
No one likes me.
Every single negative thing...? Yeah that was basically me.

That night when we got home, I headed straight to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I finally had the courage to do it... to kill myself.
I was ready to cut deeper.
But my brother, he begged me not to do it.
He wrapped his arms around me and all my courage was lost.
All braveness was lost.
You made me weak bro.
You hugged me so tightly, almost squeezed me.
That was when I knew that you really cared about me.
Dad took the knife away from me.
I’ve never seen him looked so confused in my entire life.
My sister, she was crying.
I have to admit, I was a selfish coward.

My brother sleep with me that night.
I sobbed.
You brother, stayed with me and comforted me.
You held my hand.
You said nice things about me.
You let me did my shit.

The next morning we didn’t talk... I didn’t talk to anyone really except for my dad.
We had discussions.

It’s been days, nothing is normal.
My stepmom isn’t talking to me.
I feel like my family are forcing themselves to talk to me... even if they don’t want to.

You brother.
You haven’t spoken to me in days.
I haven’t gone in your room for days.
More like weeks.
I trusted you.
I thought you were one of my best friends.
I thought you cared.
Every time I speak to you, your face shows no emotion whatsoever.
No sparks.
No smile.
No crinkles in your eye.
Just pure awkwardness.

I don’t know what happened between us exactly.
I probably did something to offend you.
The first thing that comes into my mind is that night... the night I tried to kill myself.
I’ve ruined our relationship.
I’ve ruined you and our sisters relationship.

I have a tendency to ruin my relationship with people. I’m sorry.
I’m not good in the social sector.
You know...? I have no friends, barely go out much...

Then another night, I asked you, what was wrong as we were having dinner together, just the two of us.
“With what?” You say
“Between the two of us?”
“Nothing or else I would have told you”
Blank expression in your face...
Nothing aye?
We just sat there... in silence and awkwardness til our food came.

I only ordered ice cream because I didn’t want to be with you for long and I really just did not feel like eating.
Soon I left, while you were still having your pizza topped with some fuckin pineapples.
That night I distanced myself from you.

It’s your 19th birthday today, the day I am writing this.
I didn’t look at you.
I also didn’t say happy birthday.
I am so angry at you.
I am so angry at myself.
I am so full of guilt and shame.

I’m afraid I’ve become too attached to you.
We had good memories and discussions.
I shared my secrets with you.
you did the same.
Got drunk for the first time with you.
Smoked for the first time with you.
Travelled to another country with you for the first time.
So many....

Now we’re strangers.

My question to you brother...
how can you just cut off people, your sister, from your life that easily.
I didn’t know it was doable with family members.
One moment you were with me, we were close.
The next moment you’re gone, can’t get close to me, can’t look me in the eyes anymore.
You just left without a fucking explanation.
I thought you cared!
Then why are you distancing yourself from me?

I’m confused

I’m sick and tired of chasing people who clearly do not want me.
I give up.
I have to let you go.

I’m only 17 and you’re 19.
We’re still young.
Who knows what the future brings.
Right now, you are hurting me.
We live under the same roof but we don’t communicate.
I miss you.
But I have to let you go.

I know my families members will never read this,
Especially my brother.

I’m just so sorry.

No words...