Why am I who I am on We Heart It

Why am I who I am

I’m sitting here, with my cup of tea. Writing this article as a freedom from my feelings.

many of you dont know me… maybe you do but not as a person that I’m really am. maybe that’s good, because I’m not a person that you should be friend with.

I named this article as a “ Why am I who I am” so let me tell why I’m doing stuff that I’m doing and yeah, lets do this

1. my eating disorder

i’m not saying that I’m anorexic or bullimic . I mean.. I dont really know what’s going on with my eating habits. but yes I starve myself sometimes,Im trying to eat less and less as is posibble and I lie to people that means alot for me and then I feel really sorry for it. and why I cant stop? because when Iook at those girls whith those tiny bodys, then I want it too. I want to be skinnier. and I know that I’m already skinny af but I dont know.. looking skinnier would be better I think. most of people dont understand it, and that makes me sad actually.

2. sucidal thoughs, harming

yes, thats right. most of the time I feel like I should kill myself, and the only thing that keeping those thoughs away is self-harming. self-harm doesnt have to be cutting yourself, it can may be starving yourself to death or drowning yourself in the bathtub.. or beating yourself up, even suffercate with your pillow.. I could write it down many selfharming that exist but theres no time for that… now, why am I self-harming? it makes me feel numb.. I dont feel anything at all.. and thats better than trying to take breath while I would cry and cry. I actually hate this feeling.

3. alone

so I dont have friends or someone who would really care about me. so I’m always alone. sometines i’m fine with that but most of the time I imagine telling someone mine piece of story.. but nobody cares in real life. I know I should go outside and just meet new people but its not that simple.. for someone it is, because they have so great life and they’re so confident with themselve but I’m not. I dont even have a great future.. my future is that I’ll be here, sitting and drinking my cup of tea.. because I dont know how to change it.. and nobodyeven care.

4. social anxiety

yup.. I’m scared to go outside or talk to people..and thats actually that reason why I’m alone. maybe I should take some pills or talk to the doctor but I’m scared of talking with people + If my parents knew that, they would look at me like I am just stupid and so sick. so I dont know what to do with it :/ I’m really scared to go out and do something.

5. everything is my fault

yeahh… thats what I’m telling myself when I woke up and to the end of the day. I feel really guilty because of everything I said and did. and yeah, I’m sorry that am i who I am….