when we were happy and platonic together the thought of you sent me soaring through the sky.
you were the high that i'd gladly take and deal to myself daily.

first loves never work out though.
so when we were falling apart,
or more like when you started to hate telling me how you felt anymore;
i had different reactions when i thought of you.

i remember waking up and getting ready for a day of school,
usually i'd rush so i could spend more time with you before the bell.
but the thoughts of you not talking to me like the day before flooded in and came out of my mouth.

breakfast was my favorite meal and the thought of you ruined it.

one night i was with my best friends to get my mind off of you,
because i could never hang out with them at school with you.
you said they were annoying.

after we had an incredible night we went back to my house and began to gossip in the moonlight.
but then the conversation turned to us like it'd usually would.

"he doesn't care about you anymore."
"break up."
"you're just hurting yourself."

i ran to the bathroom and retched so uncontrollably that it hurt the next day to speak.

you'd put your hands on me as if you owned me and squished at my disappearing stomach that you used to love so much.

"why are you getting skinnier?"
"i've been throwing up a lot lately."
"hope you feel better."

i wanted to push your hands away as you kept feeling around my body but i know how you'd hurt me later with your words.
how you'd say i love you later even though you didn't mean it.

i couldn't eat,
i couldn't sleep,
my hair fell out,
and i couldn't stop crying.

all because of the thought of loosing you scared me so much that i'd rather waste away than see that happen.

-

hi, it me.
i just wanted to say that if you're in a current situation that i was in i just want to say please, please get out of it quickly. it is so damaging and will ruin your future references for your relationships, it is not worth it. the thought of trying to bring back that person that loved you is not worth it at all. trying to get closure from this person is not worth it, at all. the only thing worth fighting for is your happiness and finding someone else who will love you just as you love them. feel free to message me too, i will try my best to listen and help you any way i can.

- p.