Hello, hearters! I was tagged for a new challenge by @memorite as a lovely way to help those in need. I usually try to forget the bad times as soon as i can, this one especially, because honestly, i don't like saying that i ever felt this bad. But if it makes someone realize they're not alone in this mess, hey, of course i'll do it. I don't know how common it is to feel lost and really on the edge when you've just become a freshman in college, but i sure was completely out of it. Here's how i felt.

I look in the mirror and i see dark circles around my eyes. I hate the state i'm in. I don't train regularly, i'm lost, i lost my anchor i revolve around everything and nothing, nothing's keeping me alive now like swimming used to. I can't step to the pool. Because when i do, i expect a relief, i expect to find peace inside me, but lately, i leave feeling even worse than when i got there. Water makes me forget for a brief time, an hour maybe, but when i'm out, i just remember i've accomplished nothing and things are still the same. I've been told that this is the hard part of my life and that i, just like everybody else, need to go through it. But why does it always include self harm? I do appreciate myself more than i used to and i'm not so fearful anymore, but at least that fear made me change things. Now? My word means nothing to me which is the worst i could've done to myself. I say i'll be happy, work hard, be healthy. But i don't care about executing any of those. I just..live. I don't have any goals, this college thing feels so uncertain, blurry, sometimes even too estranged. But maybe college is just the small part of the problem, and the real one is in my head. If i didn't study, again, i don't know what i'd do.

I never cared less about my health, which is dreadful. I'm seeing private professors more often than my own family and my stomach is constantly cramped from all the studying and sitting on the floor. Still, I feel stupid and like i'll never catch up with other people in my class. And i have to do the same thing next week, the week after that, and after that... and so on for another 5 years.
I'm questioning everything lately. I'm not training good and i'm not studying enough obviously. I just wanna go somewhere and then i remember i can't escape from myself. My lousy, moody, discouraged self. I even manage to make myself cry with nothing more than my thoughts. But most of all, i'm sorry i disappointed myself. I constantly apologize myself for the harm i'm doing to my body and i just keep doing it anyway. Indulging into temporary satisfactions, like tv, food and daydreams, being careless and absent. Absent when i need to be at my best.

If i could just cry it out, cry it ALL out and feel better afterwards i would, but i CAN'T! It's killing me that this stupid numb feeling just rests in my heart not intending to leave, this emptiness, this pile of nothing and everything at the same time. Life gets tough, i escape to my thoughts and turn to my little dreams. But by doing that, i only cause more pain because the more i drift the more i have to come back down and that is the worst part. I don't even bother promising myself a better tomorrow or the 'from tomorrow on, you will treat yourself better' because i know i won't. And i don't know for how much longer i'll keep stooping at the bottom or can i ever find a way back up again.

Naturally, i did. All i needed to do was repeat what my sister told me, 'The only way to go through it is to go through it' and i just went straight ahead. And wrote this.

Tell me, who will achieve your dreams for you?
Whenever things get 'hard' just tell yourself 'nothing i can't handle, nothing i can't handle, nothing i can't handle, another bad stage, but i've been over them before, and i was a winner every time' you're mentally stronger than anything 'challenging' or 'difficult' that crossed your path. And that's just it about the problems. They cross your path and then they go away. Because you were smarter, you were stronger, you were CALMER.
You're the ocean - endless, powerful, alluring, full of surprises, equally terrible as calm, equally feared as loved. You wouldn't be what you are if you weren't capable of staying on your feet every time life tried to trip you over, just for fun. You laughed at it, but still, you didn't fall. NEVER disown your greatness, your wits, your power to rise over and over again, even better than you were before. You of all should know the tremendous power of will and execution you posses once you set your mind to something. And when you do, the world better be ready ;)

I could write on and on, but the article is already long as it is. Hope i helped someone and convinced them they're not the only ones who feel bad without even knowing why, when they're at the beginning of something new, even if they have all means to be happy. A thing we all need to learn is that every soul struggles in its own way

#ForTheSufferingOnes