I'm just laying in my bed,
like I always do when I get home.

But today is different.

I stare at the walls and look out of the window,
where I see the sun at full brightness
and I keep thinking:

"why does everything seem so happy
and am I so sad?
"

It is not the kind of sadness that makes you cry.

It's the kind of sadness you can smile through, laugh through, if you try your best.
It's the kind of sadness that feels like a stone on your chest.
It's the kind of sadness that makes you feel empty inside.
and makes you wanna sleep.

I'm not lying if I say that I am longing for a heaven.
A heaven on earth would be great.

Nor am I lying if I say that I am actually scared of that heaven.
I'm scared to go blind by it's brightness.
But I'm even more scared to fall into it, because I don't wanna lose reality.

And now I'm just watching the dirt on my window.
Just letting my thoughts pass, because I know that they are only in my head.

One move and my curtain is closed.
I close my eyes and enter the heaven I longed for all day.
With the brightness of the sun, warming my face.

- Nynke