Hello beautiful humans!

Welcome to day 6 of the get to know me challenge. This might be my first time posting in a row, can't really remember. Since I am only 16 I haven't really experience that many terrible things. 16 year olds can be exposed to horrific, traumatizing things, but luckily I wasn't. Today we will be talking about my experience with unrequited love and the sadness that came with it. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy.

original challenge.

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

He was the class clown that could make me smile without a doubt. I never expected that he would be the one to such a wave of sadness, even if it was unintentional.

I met him 6 years ago, during my first day of middle school. I don't remember really talking to him the first two years. I knew he was in my class and who he was. I do remember us talking a lot in 8th grade and that's when the "shipping" happened. We sat somewhat across from each other in advanced 8th grade math. He would always look at me and make this face that made me laugh. Whenever his tablemates noticed, they would always ask us if we were together. When he said no they would say "You guys are always looking and smiling at each other. Just date already." I never really that much of it as I always thought they were joking.

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To make a long story much shorter, I realized my feelings for him in high school. More specifically, junior year. I'm still not comfortable using his real name so let's call him Keith. Keith was a flirt and maybe that's why I read so far into something that wasn't real. I only had one class with him, Pre-Cal, and he sat in front of me. Whenever he could, he'd reach back and hold my hand. His reasoning was because I had very soft hands. Sometimes he'd reach back and feel my face(little weird) and say I had soft skin. He would also give me compliments. I usually feel uncomfortable when someone compliments me. Weirdly enough, with him I felt safe and confident. The only problem was I became dependent on him to make me feel confident. I would wear certain clothes just so he'd say I look beautiful.

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Because of him always holding my hand, I thought he liked me too. He even made a joke that I was cheating on him when I had River Phoenix as my lockscreen.(I took this like an arrow in the heart). The day he got a girlfriend broke my heart. He had posted some pictures on snapchat and I remember crying as I let myself believe some ridiculous fantasy. I completely blamed myself for what I was feeling. Since he had a girlfriend, he acted like a didn't exist, which made me even more sad. No more holding my hand during math, or playing with my hair when I laid my head down. That right there was the worst part. He was so important to me and I was nothing to him.

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Like I've said a million times, i don't see the point of relationships. This is gonna said really cheesy, but he made me want one. Keith made me want all the bullshit that comes with a relationship. I would daydream about going on dates to the art gallery, seeing marvel movies together, kissing at his locker, and other things. I just wanted him to want me like I wanted him. Maybe I wasn't good enough for him.

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God do I wish he never held my hand during math class. I wouldn't have spent months craving and lusting over Keith. I wouldn't have cried myself to sleep and write poem after poem about him

Sorry if this was all over the place,
this whole situation still makes me
sad/

more from me

love, billie

ps: the worst, worst thing is that I sometimes still have hope that he'll feel some way about me