Authors note: these are my own words and what has happened to me in the past few months having become an adult, please if you would like to read it then feel free to, i do not write to get bad nor positive attention i simply write to express my thoughts, feeling and my soul into my work.

Only 2 months in of being an adult and it has been an eye opener so far. I've learnt that its a lot harder as an adult then when you were a 17 year old. I've learnt not everything comes easy. Not everything or everyone is worth fighting for. What I've learnt the hardest way and was the biggest eye opener so far is friendships and relationships and how much they change as you go from being a teenager to an adult.

Ive lost multipul people that i concidered close to me, some from when we were children in diapers to 4 years of highschool together to 2 years of college together but years dont matter when you realise how much of a change it is to see that not everyone can grow up so quickly and that's sometimes not a bad thing but when your pushing true friends away for drugs and partying and late one night stands that destroy you, thats when things change and thats when you wake up and realise that you cant always continue to fight for someone who does not want to be saved or helped out.

I've also found out that the only real person there is to help you through your hard times is yourself.

Here's to the friemdships and relationships ive lost so far this year and heres to the stupid bitch who broke my heart after 13 years of a friendship.

What can I say—I’m a fighter. I go all the way. I don’t give up when things get ugly nor when I get tired. Somehow I always find fuel for my battles. I find strength even when others would’ve lost hope long time ago.

I never give up on people I love. You know that well, don’t you? Because you deserved to see me turning my back to you, but I didn’t. Because I thought you were worth the fight. I thought that it’s supposed to be this hard, that love should hurt sometimes, that I have to walk miles in pain before I get to feel a trace of happiness. So I fought for you like I never fought for anyone before.

Life was hard on me but I learned not to give up easily. I fight and I try and I fall just so I’d rise again and I keep fighting for what I want until I can’t fight anymore, until giving up is the only option left. And even then I convince myself to try one more time, that maybe this one last try will make a difference. And you have no idea how toxic this is for me.

You’re something special, you know? I loved you. I loved you even when you gave me every reason not to. Even when you treated me like I wouldn’t treat the person I hate the most in this world. You played games with me. You used me to get what you wanted when you wanted it. You kept making promises you never intended to keep and you fed of off my pain. All I lived with you was disappointment after disappointment. But I told myself that it doesn’t matter and I convinced myself that things were going to change very soon. But things never changed with you.

Things will never change with you. You are who you are. And you don’t see that there is anything wrong with you. You don’t see that there is anything wrong with how you treat others or how you treated me. And honestly, I didn’t see it either for a while. But I finally opened my eyes.

I can finally see you for who you are. I can finally stop deceiving myself and telling myself that you’re a good person. You’re not a good person.

Now I understand how I can’t fix you. Not only me, but nobody will ever be able to fix you because you don’t want to be fixed. But what you do want is someone who’ll bend over backwards for you even when you don’t lift a finger for that person. I guess I taught you that things can work this way. But that was my mistake, the one I’m more than willing to correct now.

I honestly don’t get it. How come my efforts were not enough to make you want to try, too? How come you didn’t wish to have a happy relationship/friendship, to love and be loved when you saw me trying so hard for you? It doesn’t matter anyway. I’ll just have to accept the fact that some questions will remain unanswered.

You have no idea what kind of internal battles I fought. My heart was telling me one thing, but my mind kept telling me something completely different. And I should’ve listened to my mind, but I didn’t. There is no use crying about it now. I was always someone who was led by emotions. But this time, I refuse to listen to my emotions. This time, I refuse to give all of me to someone who doesn’t appreciate it.

You never really valued me. You never really appreciated my efforts and you never truly cared to what happens to us. While I was trying to make us work, you were living life like I’m not in it. And you know what? The least I can do now is stop fighting for someone who doesn’t deserve me.

At the end of the day, when I tuck myself in bed and close my eyes, I won’t have any regrets. I won’t have any demons haunting me or my past trying to pull me into an abyss. Because I know I fought for more than you deserve. My conscience is pure.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure you’ll be able to say the same thing. Years from now when you look back on your life, I’ll bet there will be a regret or two regarding me. But what you’ll regret the most is giving me no other choice other than to give up on you.

It hurts and it will for a little bit because thats what happens when you give your all for someone who you loved. But i can assure you that even though this was the hardest decision of my life so far and its the one that has hurt the most i will come out on top because I've stuggled and I've focused on people who didnt deserve that kind of treatment but now its time i choose myself.

At the end of the day, I realized that it’s okay to fight for someone who loves you. It’s not okay to fight for someone to love you. There’s a huge difference.

even though i miss you so very much, i am learning that my life was and will be much better with out you. however when i said i will always be there for you it wasn't a lie, so if ever you need me im a phone call away.

sincerely your ex best friend,

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