loving myself was never easy, i swear. i was doing fine in december 2016 to february 2017 then i got off track. i was fine by myself during that time, but not until i meet this great guy, that is my boyfriend. i'm not here to brag about him, instead i will write so much about how he hurt me to the point that i want to thank him so much because i found my self worth thanks to him.

first glance

i saw him. he didn't notice me at all, not until june 2017. i liked him and thanks for certain events, we met for real, and we end up together.

he hurt me

i'm an overthinker, and insecure girl, a very reserved person, the opposite of him. i don't get close to guy and he's the first guy i really loved. (and yes i still love him haha) he broke his promises so many times, i told him not to get close with other girls and he promised he would not, but he did it anyway and it broke me.

thanks to those kind of events, i started to hate myself for being overprotective, overly loving. for wanting him so much. he almost left me so many times and i begged him to stay, even though we argued because of his fault, because of how he broke his promises. but i wanted him so much.. that i lost myself. i lost yana, i lost me. i was definitely not on track, i didn't care about my goals, i hated myself, more and more.

how i found myself

we argued and he wanted a break from me to the point that i almost suicide. i went through my social media, said sorry to my loved ones, my family, my friends and him. but before i did that, two of my friends helped me, they talked to me about my self worth and how stupid it is to give up. but i didn't listen, i still went to the kitchen to cut myself. i bled, but i picked up my phone again, saw my friend's text, and i still remember it. "don't ever give up on life, think about how much you've gone through, i know you're tired of all that, but it's such a waste to just give up." i pulled myself together, and realized that i just cut myself, what shocked me was i didn't realize that i cut myself. i did that without realizing. so i put the knife back, went into my room. i sat next to my study table. i grabbed my journal, i read everything. i realized that i've achieved so much, and there's a lot that i haven't achieve too. i cried, i felt sorry for myself. i read again and i encountered the journal i wrote when i was on track. i was so happy. i think to myself, "what can i do to make myself happy now? both activities and things like leaving toxic people?"*

and from there, i realized that the only thing i have to do is get on track.

what i did

  • have a long bath. if it's cold, take a warm bath; if it's hot, take a cool shower.
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  • drink hot tea, or drink anything that is good for your body.
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  • reorganize, clean and tidy up your room. clean space, clearer mind
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  • eat good meals. like a really hearty meal. don't just feed yourself with junk foods like chips etc. !!
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  • meditate. get guided meditation through youtube, or else i recommend the app headspace! the best app ever <3
  • bring/let sunshine into your living space. go out and appreciate the nature! nature will heal you i swear :)
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now let's focus on taking care of our mental state

  • FIRST THING TO DO! leave toxic people out of your life. it might be hard if it is your parents, but make sure to put yourself first! your mental health is more important darling!
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  • go out with your favorite people. whoever it is, laugh with them, do what you love with them!

last but not least, please know that it's okay to struggle right now. appreciate yourself, and thank yourself for striving so hard. you're worth it. you'll be fine.

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pretty sure these pics explain everything

p.s it's okay to be hurt, good luck! make sure to love yourself more! wish you all the best :*

here are some of my fav collections that i made myself, do show it some love if you love it <3