MEMORIES
“Babe, I love you so much”
He whispers in my ear as we lay
The sound of his voice lingers in my ears as i walk slowly and see him facing another girl
“You hurt me” i say
“I know” he replies

“Im coming over!” I call and tell him while already on the way
When i get there he opens the door and we race straight for his room
He plays his game and i lie on his bed
He stops his game and lays with me
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing” i say, knowing im lying
We talk about all that weve been through in the past two years
“Crazy how far weve come” i say smiling

“AND 1! Babe! Do you know what that means?”
“Of course” I say as i explain
“See this is why i love you”

“Forever and always”
We use to say this every night followed by an I love you

“Babe, you’re so good to me, I don’t deserve this”
Wish at the time that I knew you sure as hell didn’t deserve any of the love I gave you

HURTING
The pain i feel is unreal
I lay awake in bed at night not feeling anything but somehow still being able to feel every ounce of pain he caused me
While giving him my everything i managed to lose my everything
I gave him every part of me, my soul, my body, my mind

We stay awake for hours having conversations about our future
We end it with a goodnight kiss and i watch him drive off into the distance
As he leaves i begin feeling all the bad things again
He was my escape and he continues to be

You come and go like the ocean waves
And I allow you

You are the sun
I am the planets
Everything i do, everything i say, revolves around you

You have this sense of control
I don’t know how, I don’t even know when I gave it to you

I gave you the love I should have been giving myself all along

This pain is unbearable, i'm scared

I check the clock
I stare at my phone waiting for one more minute to pass
Its been 2 minutes since i last checked
Time goes by so slow
It hurts more and more
I don’t know how much longer i can deal

I need to leave
I gotta get out
Escape
Avoid
Relief

Where is she
Is she okay
What did she do
These questions circle in my mind as i see the paramedics pull up
It takes me back to the time i was the one being carried into that ambulance

AT NIGHT
I’ve been told the way I speak and the words I say are calming
But you should hear them at night

KNOWLEDGE
I’ve never been taught how I should be treated
Maybe that’s why I treat myself this way,
Maybe that’s why I allow you to treat me this way

I've learned to not have expectations for you
All you have ever caused me is pain and hurting
No more running back to you
I'm over it

It feels like im reliving everything day by day
The sirens
The lights, the people, the dizziness
It all comes back
The more breathes i take the more it hurts
Trauma

TALKING TO GOD
How much more?
How many more lessons
How much more pain
GOD HOW MUCH MORE UNTIL I BREAK

“You trust your teachers to give you a strong education, right?” he asked me
“Of course”
“Then trust that i am giving you this lesson to study and look over until you get rewarded with that A”