An open letter to the boy who I fell in love with twice

Dedicated to him, If he is listening.

The first time I loved you I was so much younger.
I was quiet giggles and soft blushes, and you were shy smiles and awkward laughs.
I was completely and totally infatuated with you.

I would have done anything just to get you to hold my hand.

I was young, and I was just beginning to understand that the world will try to break your heart more often than it will try to mend it.
You were a safe place. A home.

If you have never been in love before then you could not even begin to imagine what it felt like in my chest just to hear your name.
It wasn't even heart pounding, blood racing, wide eyed love.
It was a good night's sleep and the feeling of peace filling up my chest so much I couldn't have even spelt out the word unhappy.
It was feeling so good I thought I might cry and precious time spent just trying to memorise you.

You made me think I was invincible.

And it was no fault of your own that I fell out of love.
People grow apart, and it didn't hurt that we were not who we used to be.

You went away for a while.
You got a girlfriend, grew out your hair, broke up with your girlfriend, and became a far more confident, far happier version of yourself.
You became the person you were too scared to be when you were younger.
You are living the life you thought you missed out on.

I went away for a while.
I faced the problems I had been running from, I got help and I got better.
I became happier, more accepting, smarter.
I learnt myself, and all the dusty corners of my mind.
Reevaluated the person I wanted to be, and the people I wanted to be with.
I am living the life that is true to my heart.

I am the type of person who falls in temporary love all the time.
Meet someone once and start to imagine what it would be like to go on holidays to Bora Bora with them, or to adopt a dog together.
How do they like their coffee?
Do they hate the colour green?

But I move on fast.
And in the next moment, my heart is set on something new.

Which is why, I was so surprised that it came running back to you.
Something familiar.
Something safe.

We are older now.
I am taller, and colder. But I have gentler thoughts, and I try not to let things move too fast anymore.
Your hair is curlier, and you have some tattoos now.
But I think in our heart we will always be the same kids.

The second time I fell in love with you, it felt so familiar that when I realised what was happening I cried and how safe you still felt.

I am breaking my own heart by loving you again, but I think I am okay with that.

Loving you a second time is not about trying to fix the broken parts of myself, or about trying to get you to hold my hand.
It is not about a goal, or even about finding something to write new poetry about.

It is about being in love with you.
It is about how I fall in love over and over and in the end it all comes back to you.
All the best parts of myself exist because of who you were to me.

Falling in love with you a second time is not about trying to get you to love me back,
this time, it is all about me loving you.

With all my love, always,
A xx