you fall for someone by chance, not by choice.

when it all started i didn't think about the future.
which was a side effect of my depression and paired with my naive teenage behaviour i didn't waste a single thought on how it will end.
all i wanted was to have you,
now.
when i was 15 i had developed an unhealthy behaviour with men.
i think i should explain this before i move on to ~him~ and tell you the cute part of the story. skip it if you want to, see ya in the next paragraph :*
[so i didn't grow up very confident, i relied on others for approval and attention.
a trait which made me vulnerable to get used. because i never had the selfrespect to stand up for myself. i wasn't shy though, i always stood up for other kids in my class for example. but i never listened to what i needed, i always put others first and tried to gain their love this way. and as a consequence i also did everything to be liked by men.

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wore clothes that i thought made me more attractive, used the kind of makeup that i had heard is liked by guys, acted coy and cute. and hella submissive. "it's up to you." and "i don't know." were my most frequently used phrases.
i never had a boyfriend, i never really dated someone regularly, but whenever a guy showed interest in me, i was ready to do everything i had to so he'd stay interested.
i just wanted to be liked, loved, admired.
so when i was only 15 i already "have had" some men who used me. but i can't blame them, i was basically putting myself on a plate and said "please eat me, trust me i want it."

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if i would have listened to my heart, i wouldn't have done it. i didn't want it.
but i was in a bad state, and i felt like doing something stupid is still better than doing nothing and feeling like your life is passing you by. a little bit of depression, a cup of low self-esteem and the desperation to try anything to get some nice seconds out of this dull life and, voila: it ends in shallow sexual relationships.]

that was the stuff that was going on inside my head, of course no one knew about it, because little depressed me had no reliable friends and never talked to someone about herself.

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so there i was, wanting some rush, wanting some fun.
and then i noticed
~ him ~.
he was always hanging around our house at the weekends, because i live in a big house with a great garden where all the neighbours and the friends of my dad like to hang out and ususally have a little party every friday or saturday night.

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and he was cute.
quite introverted but not shy.
well, that wasn't why i had crush on him.
you just fall for someone by chance, not by choice.
and afterwards you can list all the reasons to justify why you like someone, what makes them special.
actually you can always find so many lovable traits in just anyone.
every human being is special and everyone deserves love.
okay, i guess i straggled at bit away into philosophic depths.
back to him. and what happened with him. and me.
there's never been a clear start and, i'm afraid, there'll never be a clear end.
first i just tried to be near him as often as possible, it made me happy to see him and inside of me there was always a powerful flirty energy that i only expressed through my eyes.
the way i looked at him, how often i looked at him and especially how fast i looked away again, and how i coy i gave him a glance from the corner of my eye.
and he felt it. even though he remained calm and secret, he had a very kind and sweet energy. and it was so cute when we flirted for the first times. it always stayed concealed that it was more than some "basic small talk" we had, it had never been obvious that there was something going on between us. only we knew and that made it pretty exciting.
sometimes it felt almost too good to be true, especially on pittoresque summer evenings or the sunrise after a night of playing videogames together and watching movies. all just friendship of course.
no, not even more than good acquaintance, since that was the position we were in.
i mean, he was 32 at that time.
and i was 16 when i realized i was in love.
"exactly twice my age...",
was what dreamy me thought when he told me,
when we were laying on the couch after almost everyone went to sleep. it was already dawn again, after a wonderful birthday party on a wonderful, hot summer day, followed by a refreshing, magical night.
we lay there, just looking each other in the eyes and enjoying the moment. the warm sunbeams that were falling through the window.

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the butterflies that were swirling inside of us, not just in the stomach but everywhere, i my head, in my fingertips, in my feet, on my neck. every part of me was prickling and sizzling with joy. i also kissed him. i was insecure that i might mess up my first real romantic kiss, but he took all my insecurities off me and showed me how to let myself fall into the moment.
and i said: "i want to keep this moment forever." and he waited some seconds and said: "keep it."
so that's what i did, i just wrote it down and now i'll be able to reread and remember it even when i'm 50 years old.
i'll keep that memory.
we didn't say much. we didn't touch much. but the less, the more meaningful.
"christian's 29. birthday was really good, wasn't it?" -
"yeah it was. is he actually 29 already? i was afraid to ask him, but i would have thought he's like.. 25." -
"oh well but he's even younger than me. i'm 32 already."
he said it in his special "shy" way, like he always does when he explains something that's meaningful to him. and also when it's something that he doesn't like but has to accept.
maybe you could call it wisdom how he lets the flow bring life and he accepts it faithfully.
i didn't say out loud "oh you're twice my age, that's kinda cool. feels a bit like destiny."
but i thought it.
little naive me treated love like it was a game. a really fun one, exciting and leaving you curious for more. but most of all it was sweet.
it was so sweet it sticked the broken pieces of my mistreated heart back together.
i didn't expect it to go that way. i didn't expect to fall in love.
i thought it would be like all my last "love" experiences, short, exciting but regretful. but he was just a loving person, i couldn't help it.

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i wasn't used to be the one "chasing"
i was used to show off all i've got and then wait for the guy to make the next step. and then just play along.
he had a different approach.
to put me in the friendzone because he didn't accept the social setting.
i wasn't the one for him, even though there was a special connection between us. he wanted to get married and have kids, i was still in school. he was the right for me, a nice guy that could be my first love, like first loves usually are, sweet but not made to last.
but i wasn't the right for him.
my life didn't have a future. not one i was able to see, with my eyes blinded with the fog around me.

by now i'm 17 and he's 34.
still twice my age.
and i still love him.
and i still can't have him.