most girls don't believe it when someone tells them they're beautiful.
your parents would tell you every day how wonderful you are, but parents love their kids and maybe love makes blind.
your friends can give you as many compliments and reassurance as they want, they are your friends, so they will say anything to make you feel better.
and men. oh, men...
we learn not to trust them very soon.
if it wasn't your mother warning you about all the tricks they use to make you theirs, you probably found it out the hard way.
the pros coax you into desire first, wrap you up and blindfold you with soft satin words.
how long did it take for you to realize that this wasn't real, it was lies?
others try to push you and you feel a bad vibe from the very beginning. but it's hard to cut the threads they unnoticedly knotted to you, to make you their puppet. especially when you just want to be nice and are afraid you're overreacting because you are doubtful and question your view on the situation, maybe you got it all wrong and misinterpreted the signals.
and then you missed the point where you should have said "no", the point of no return.
just act like you wanted it that way, it's easier than admitting that you have so little selfworth and confidence that you let people use you. just go with the flow, even when flow creeps into your boundaries. you aren't strong enought to swim against it anyway.

i trust men in general. only when their y-chromosome controls them i prefer not to mistake anything they say for the truth.
"you're beautiful."
(in my head:) no, I'm not. you just want to fuck me.
maybe he does, but that doesn't mean it's a lie.
you're the one lying to yourself when you tell yourself over and over again you aren't.
i had times where i put a cloth over my mirror because seeing my reflection felt bad.
i have no idea where all this negativity about myself came from.
there weren't any kids at my school who bullied me or called me ugly.
no one ever said a single bad word about my appearance to me.
still i was so deeply convinced i was disgusting.
i hated my pores, my frizzy flying hairs, my red spots, my dark circles, the yellowish hue of my complexion, the veins that shimmered through my skin on my whole body, my brassy hair strands, the tiny bumps on my legs after shaving, my big nose that got even bigger when i smiled, my rheumy eyes that seemed so empty, the way my belly arched in the wrong direction, my jutting ears and the glasses i had to wear.
i wanted to hide, i wore makeup every day but still felt weird, i hated going out because there would be people who could see me and i didn't want to be seen.
whenever someone complimented me i said thank you and smiled. the compliments never sank in, though. i just didn't want to be one of those girls who annoyed everyone by not accepting nice words and kept fishing for validation by talking bad about themselves.

the first person i believed again was my longterm lover. basically my boyfriend, but not officially. he has the purest soul i know and he never said something without meaning it.
after some months he told me for the first time "you're so damn beautiful".
it was at night and we both weren't sober and i was sitting on top of him, so his judgement was flawed anyway. but i knew he truly found me beautiful at that moment, and that was all that mattered.
i still wake up insecure every morning and go to bed with doubts.
i don't feel comfortable around most people because i feel like i'm not as good as them.
sometimes i feel like i'm better, but i soon realise that this was just an illusion and then i feel ashamed for being so narcissistic and self-absorbed.
but when the weather is nice, when life is good, when i'm having fun, when i'm on drugs or laying next to someone i love,
when i'm happy,
it suddenly doesn't matter how i look.
not in the way that i just accept the way it is and ignore my selfdoubts.
but in the way that i feel good when i look in the mirror without staring at my reflection for too long. because it's not the body that is beautiful, it's the shine from within.
the spark, the sould, the energy you radiate.
beauty comes from within.

all it takes to realise this, is the reflection of yourself in the eyes of someone you love.
you can't see yourself through their eyes. if you could, all your insecurities and selfdoubts would vanish.
you can only learn from them how to love yourself, because they already do it and they got their reasons for it.
such a shame you couldn't have seen this all along.
all this time you have had it in you, but you didn't allow yourself to shine.

you might feel broken, but you're still beautiful.
all the cracks in your heart that make you feel unworthy are actually what makes you special.
all those things you hate about yourself could be exactly the things someone will someday love about you the most.
because real love loves you for what you are.
and the things that make you different are what define you.

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