To all girls.

For the past let's say 7 years I was not beautiful. Here are my secrets of how I finally became a model type beauty.
From when I was little I remember my relatives telling me that I am the most beautiful creation they have ever seen, and for some time I believed them, but when I grew they started expanding their compliments with a tiny cling: “You are such a beauty, why don't you have a boyfriend". Now that's when I thought that something is wrong with me. I believe first time I got this question I was about 13 years old, and maybe now it looks like meaningless saying, and I'm sure my relatives were only joking cause a boyfriend sounds so funny in such early age but believe me at that time it was meaningful to me. So I didn't have a boyfriend, and as I look back I definitely didn't need one, but in my 13 a boyfriend was a confirmation that I am beautiful. It's like if you had a boyfriend you could sleep calm knowing that everything is okay with you, you are normal, furthermore beautiful.
Now when you ask boys what do they look for in a girl every single one of them says: confidence? A confident person is not only beautiful person it is also attractive person. For example there was a study, two women came into a room and the study coordinator asked random guys which one of them was more beautiful. So a behind story is: Woman A was an overweight who had just lost 10 pounds but still needed to loose a lot of weight to look like a model, and Women B was a perfect body model who had just gained 10 pounds, but still looked bomb. A guy chose Women A, yes he did, Why? Because Women A just lost 10 pounds, she reached her goal, she felt amazing, and confident, and you could feel her confidence blasting all around the room. A guy did not choose Women B although she looks better than Women A in most of one’s opinion, because she was self-conscious, anxious and sad; the energy she sent into a world was resistant. So as I said confidence is a key to a guys and actually anybody's heart.

When it comes back to me I felt really conscious about myself for a long period in my life cause from very early age I setup a mindset of not being complete without a boy by my side. And by thinking that way I not only lowered my confidence I have also pushed the guys away. It's when you want something so bad, when you think that you need something so bad you actually push that away. It's as if a person feels that you need them desperately (and desperate people do not attract because desperate people do not bring happiness).
I struggled for many years finding my confidence, which still at that time was in boyfriend form. But I couldn't find one. I was brave and quite loud actually, but when it came to boys I couldn’t express myself completely. And even if I got at least a bit of attention I rushed into that feeling so fast and started wondering about what could happen next I would just endlessly push guys away once again.
The thought about being happy without a guy came to me when I was about 16 years old. At that time I only tasted the idea I did not rush into it, but it seemed quite clever to think about myself than about boys only. About half a year later I finally realized that to love yourself is the best thing to do, because a) if nobody loved me at that time I needed to get that love at least from someone and b) by the way you love yourself, you show others how to love you, and c) if I did not love myself until then, maybe that's the problem why everybody else wouldn't.
When I decided to love myself I started caring about my self-expression more and about whom I am, I started thinking extremely different. I started learning to do my makeup professionally because I always liked it but, didn't have time cause was always so busy about thinking what is wrong with me. I started learning to style my clothes the way I liked and looked good instead of trying to dress in the clothes I earlier thought the guys would like (I think now I developed a quite nice style). I started taking care of my health, eating well and doing sports, when earlier I would starve myself to be "good enough" for the guys. I started meditating to be spiritually stable which also helped me find myself, I realized I love yoga, meditating and Buddhism, even know I'm Christian. I found that I can do so many things like teach others, take amazing pictures, I also danced for 11 years but didn't even notice how good I was cause I was living In my boys world. The time came I escaped my dark times box and it was time to spread my wings. I still taught myself how to fly at that time and finally flew when it was 6 months left till my 18th birthday. It was on September 1st when I came back to school a completely different person. I did not care about the guys anymore. And then this happened…
People started needing me. Lots of girls started looking up to me. They wanted my style, my Instagram feed, my charisma in general. Then the boys started noticing me and it got to a point when now I am sick of their attention… The girl who would struggle with boys and who would cry over boys repeatedly now is sick of their attention. But the important thing is not even the attention I got, the thing is I wanted all of this so bad but I didn’t actually need it. Now when I look back I wish I would rather spend time finding myself and not available boys. I wish I would have attended arts school, but yeah I guess I shouldn’t regret it just makes me little sad how I wasted a lot of time. So I really hope that if you are in a similar situation this letter helped you realize some things.

-RAD