what i just realised left a cold and bitter feeling in my heart.
i don't want to go to sleep like this.
so let me tell you what just happened.

there was a party at my house, i knew you would be there, too.
but i was invited to the birthday of my best friend, so i went there.
i thought i could just come back earlier and be at both parties.
usually you and your friends stay up until 5 a.m., but just this time it was different.
when i came home at 3 a.m. there was nobody awake anymore.
whatever, i knew you are staying over and i also knew in which room.
we have had this situation before, you're already asleep and i come into your bed and wake you up. well, usually it was the other way around. when you stayed over at the weekend, because you couldn't drive after some drinks, i would go to bed first. but not into mine, into yours, in of our guest rooms, "your" room.
and when you decided to go to bed as well some hours later, you would find me sleeping there.
nothing is sweeter than crawling into a bed that's already warmed up by someone you love. for me, that's the best part of the week. to be woken up by my honey joining me under the blanket.

this time it was different.
i sneaked as silently as possible to your room, so no one would notice what was going on, as usual. i slowly pushed down the doorhandle.
for some seconds i thought i was just paranoid, it felt weird. i felt like the door was jammed, i pushed a little harder. i mean, it was dark, i was a little drunk and a lot nervous, so when i feel like something is wrong, it probably isn't and it's just my mind being weird.
but after another second i realised, there actually was something wrong.
the door was locked.
you turned around the key from the inside, like we do when both of us are in there.
just that this time it wasn't to seperate us from the world, it was to seperate you from me.
even though there where only some meters of distance between us, i've never felt further away from you.
whenever i feel pushed away from you, i feel it as a physical pain in my body. my heart felt like someone accidentally stepped on it. my skin felt like was diving in a pool of poison.
and i'm a borderliner, so my way to deal with emotional pain is trying to get rid of it no matter the costs. but there was no way. i stood in front of a locked door.
and unfortunately on the wrong side of it.
i went to my room. without thinking a single thought. maybe it was because the alcohol didn't allow the thoughts to unfold, maybe it was because even my brain was filled up with this unpleasant feeling of rejection. there's no space left for constructive thoughts.
the other way i deal with emotions, when i can't escape them, is to drown myself in them. and then i enter a place in my broken heart where facts don't matter and it's all my fault and time stands still, so there will never be a silver lining out of this hopelessness.

there was so much more to it. i don't care if you don't love me, you still make me happy.
i'm just afraid i'll never find someone who fits me like you do again.
you are special. this is special.
this... was special.