sometimes, i find myself asking stupid questions.
and not just to other people, but to my cat, my dog, myself, and from one question, i derive another question and it just gets deeper and deeper until i have to drink a glass of water.

but really, one of my main questions is 'what does it mean to live?'

i ask this more as of late because i have been feeling like my consciousness is not connected to my body.
it's less like dying, as in my spirit watching my body, but more of a feeling of my mind not coexisting with my physical plane, and my soul is nestled away somewhere deep in my body and it doesn't really see through my eyes.

i believe that most people would classify 'living' as having fun and being happy and going to carnivals and coachella and stuff.

but before you do any of this, there is a first stage. like, before you get to read harry potter you have to learn to understand words.

this first stage is being connected with your body and spirit.
for the majority, this comes easy. for me, well, i'm not sure. dissociating is strange, because i find myself crying for no reason but never really feeling the feeling i used to get when i cried, and saying or doing things that aren't really necessary, but i do anyways for some unknown reason.

so, back to my original question. what does it mean to live? science says to breathe and be alive, but that is living at its very core, the subway sandwich with no filling. perhaps i just need to have a more exciting time, and then my spirit will be knocked back into my body. this sounds like it would work, but honestly doesn't. at the beginning of march i went to a concert, and still felt off. it was as if all my old feelings from when i felt too much were pouring out of my mouth as i screamed along to the songs. so, what happened to these nonexistent new feelings that usually come with living and having a brain? who knows.

i guess i won't be able to answer my question, and maybe will never be able to answer my question, but i sure as hell can try my hardest to find a substitute for an answer.

one thing i remember clearly from the concert was the bassist talking to the crowd directly, telling us to think dangerously.
so that's what i'm going to try to do.
of course i won't go bungee jumping or begin a life of criminal activity, but i need to do anything and everything i can to keep myself alive and busy.
i hate soccer, but if i get a chance to play a game of soccer with friends, i'll take it. if i like it, i'm living. if i hate it, hey, at least i'm feeling.