Hey, I'm here.

Just in case you're wondering.

I'm still here.

Yesterday was so crazy. I still can't believe we ended up everything. Or at least that you decided to end up.

This past 3 years have been crazy, beautiful, a complete disaster and unforgettable.

I want to remember every. Single. Day.

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From the day I saw you and thought to myself "girl, this is your man" and you didn't even know my name, to yesterday, the day we both were crying on the couch, knowing it was a goodbye.

Having a long distance relationship was riscky and difficult. But it never mattered to us. We just kept swimming, using a hundred planes and so many hopes and dreams.

Then it came. The day you came to my city. You wanted to live here, with me, forever.

I couldn't be more excited, jumping around waiting for your plane to arrive.

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For many weeks it seemed so fine. We were so happy. Being together was way funnier than seeing each other through Skype.

December came, with its cold days, headaches and goodbyes. You had to go to see your family abroad and I had to stay here working. It was painful, mostly because we didn't have a place when we came back.

But, again, we made it. I found the perfect flat, the one we were always dreaming about. Modern, simply, spacious... Our home.

Things began to change, tought... You wanted your space, so I granted that wish going to live with my parents, you were feeling down...

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It was probably my fault, being so much focused at work I couldn't see you falling into pieces in front of me.

Suddenly, one night, you sent me a message. You were ill. It seemed something very bad.

I left all behind and were at the hospital with you each day. Crying at work because I couldn't evade it for those painful days.

Once you recovered, let's face it, you changed your mind.

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I love you, I really do. But, as a friend.

Those words killed me at once.

You, the boy I've been dreaming about all my life, telling me after 3 years you didn't feel the same way I did (and still do) was one of the worst things you could say to me.

The tears came into the scene and you hugged me so strong I couldn't breath. Or maybe I couldn't breath because I was having an anxiety attack.

You don't make me happy anymore.

Another knife right into my stomach.

There's no way back. Maybe after a couple years, we meet again and get to do the things the right way.

I really cannot remember anything after that. My anxiety was killing me so bad. I wanted to vomit, to cry and to vanish at the same time.

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Do you want to know something? Your mom sent me a message that night. She was worried about us. About my reaction. She probably wanted to comfort me, but she made it worse. She was like a mother to me too.

I'm so sorry, F. So sorry for disappointing you. Sorry for not being good enough. Sorry for breaking your heart without even notice.

But I don't want these 3 years to be that. I don't want to live in yesterday.

I want to remember every good time we had together. The first time we talked, the first videocall, the first time we met at the airport.

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The first time we kissed in the hotel room. The first time we made it. The first time I slept between your arms.

The first time I came to your house. The fist time we saw Venice together and promised it was our city and no one else's.

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The first time we took a plane togheter. The first time you saw me cry because of joy.

The first time we opened the door of what-was-supposed-to-be our home.

The first time we both got jobs that we really liked and celebrated.

Image by Agos Montes

The firts dinner, the first movie, the first everything.

I won't find someone like you, I'm sure of that.

Maybe I never get to know somebody for me.

Or maybe tomorrow I meet the love of my life.

But what I do know, is that I would never change these 3 years for a single thing.

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Because they were our three imperfectly perfect years.

Forever yours,