You ruined me. You broke me. You killed me. Literally.

Now, I know what you will say. I can picture you scrunching your face, while achieving to raise your brow at the same time. Your blue eyes shooting daggers at me. "I'm not the one that decided to take my life away" you would say.

But is that really how it works? Yeah, on the one hand I am the one that killed myself. I'm the one that decided for my life to end. But, would I darling, if you didn't drive me to that point? I will never know.

Now let me take you on a journey, let me explain myself to you and why I did what I did.

I was sitting in the library, skimming through my Coco Chanel book. I was so dedicated that I didn't notice you approach me. You cleared your throat pulling me out of my own world. I knew I had it bad, the moment I laid my eyes on you.

I never told you, but you ,my love, were my dream guy. You were the guy I always dreamt my first love to be like. Plump lips, blue eyes, porcelain skin, blonde hair, a cute little nose. I was in a daze.
"You are into fashion, huh?" These were your first words to me. I looked behind me looking for the person you were talking to. This, was too good to be true.

But you weren't looking at anyone, but me. So, I attempted to answer. And I say attempted because my answer was just a series of muffled noises, that were supposed to be words, but failed miserably to get there. I was nervous. You made me nervous.

"You are cute" you said, smiling genuinely at me and making your left dimple, that I soon begun to love, pop.

Now, being a gay guy I never had another guy ,and in this case a super hot one, compliment me. But you did.

" So-" you kept pulling me out of my thoughts. "I'm Jonah."

"Lucas" I don't know how I managed to say it.

The rest you remember. You asked me out. I freaked out. Nevertheless, I said yes. We agreed to meet at the diner around the corner from where the library was.

In the past, I had crushes on so many straight guys that crumpled my heart into pieces and threw it in the trash as if it was a piece of unwanted paper that was taking up a whole load of space. However, none of them gave me hope. They were being honest about the fact that they weren't into boys. But still, it hurt.

When nothing goes right in your life, you can't hep but think of ways to end it. You can't help, but think of how the world wouldn't be affected with your absence.

See, the day you saw me in that library my mind was set. I was going to kill myself. I was a gay teenage boy, who wasn't accepted by anyone, had no friends, had their heart broken multiple times. I was scared to do it.I went in that library just so I could search for my happiness, which in my case was fashion. But I couldn't find it. Even fashion couldn't bring me happiness anymore. I was hopeless.

You were like a miracle to me, as if you were sent to save me, as if someone was sending me a sign trying to tell me that I can be happy, that I don't have to do what I was about to do.

For our date I wore my favorite Levi's t-shirt with my skinny black jeans. My hair was gelled in a quif. My expectations weren't high, at the end of the day I knew that I was meant to be unhappy. But I came anyway.

I didn't expect you to show up, but you did, and didn't you look good.

You told me I look nice and how my outfit was bomb, knowing that that compliment would work ( and it did). We talked for various topics, while eating our burgers. After finishing our food you said that we should go to the fair. I asked you if it was okay with you to be seen in public with me and you replied and I quote " Yeah, no biggie". There was an emotion written all over your face ,though, that I couldn't really pinpoint.

I remember our kiss, it was my first and only kiss for the matter. How could I forget it?

You kissed me in the middle of the fair. It was a quick kiss and I could taste the disgust at the tip of your tongue. You quickly pulled away. Everything happened too fast. The kiss, you pulling away, light flashing, the laughing, you wiping your lips at the back of your sleeve. I couldn't keep up with it.

"Hey Loser, you just helped me to win the dare of kissing a gay guy. thanks. "

A dare.

For you it was a dare, a harmless dare, you were just messing around with your mates having the time of your lives.

For me it was my last hope. You were my last hope.

I know that before doing what you did you never stop to think about my emotions, my already shuddered heart. I am sure that it never crossed your mind that things were already bad for me, that I was hopeless.

But does that give you the right to do what you did? Your "harmless" little dare was the end of me.

You can't know what goes on in someone else's life by just looking at them. I'm sure you never knew, that the guy sitting in that library, was actually skimming through that book hunting for happiness.

You killed me, because your dare was the end of end for me, it was my last hope dying and taking me with it.