Hey guys! This time I am writing about a more serious matter: abusive relationships. I've recently got out of one, and it was actually difficult for me to understand the signs, and now that I have done that I want other people who might be in the same situation to understand them too.

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Let's start with some basic things:

  • 1) Abuse is the improper treatment of someone, to gain benefit.
  • 2) Abuse it's mostly related to boys, but girls can be abusers too
  • 3) Most people relate abuse solely to physical violence, but there are other kinds, such as verbal abuse and manipulation.
  • 4) An Abusive relationship does not need to have all these signs at the same time, but if one of them is constantly repeated, then you should start to worry
  • 5) A healthy relationship is one where you love your partner, and you know they also love you. He/she should be someone who respects you, and with whom you are totally comfortable and feel free to be who you are and express yourself. It's someone who supports you and every conquer you do and someone who won't judge you for anything.
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Signs of an abusive relationship

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  • Physical violence

So, this one is pretty obvious, if they use physical violence against you, that's not for sure a healthy relationship. Physical violence is not necessarily hit you, but also, use excessive force to hold, to the point you get bruises. It can be also about forcing you on sex.

  • Verbal abuse

They always make sure to tell bad stuff to you, like you suck, you're worthless etc and sometimes even to your friends and family.

  • Excessive control

This is when your partner, wants to have control over your life. Remember that you have the right to have private aspects of your life, and your independence. Some signs are:

1) Irrational jealousy

2) They told you what to wear

3) They know your passwords

4) They always call to know where you are/what you're doing

5) They don't like you having friends the same sex as them.

  • You start/stop doing things for fear of their reaction.

In a healthy relationship, you should feel free to be who you are and express yourself in the way you want

  • Manipulation

This one is a bit more hard to understand because you can be manipulated and never notice. Signs of manipulation are:

1) They take you down, by making you feel like everything you say is stupid/ worthless

2) Make you feel like everything is your fault (Especially their behaviours). Usually, when they do something wrong, they make you feel like you're the one that needs to apologize.

3) They try to put away your friends and family, for example by making you think they are intruding too much in the relationship.

4) When they do something worse than usual, for a short time next, they will seem nicer, and somethimes even buy you expensive gifts as "I'm sorry". If you have broken up, they will start to treat you better until you go back to them.

  • They always lie to you

Their stories don't match with what their friends say, or you feel like the excuses they give you are crappy, thats a sign they might be hidding something from you/Don't wanna be with you.

  • You try to justify their behaviours.

"they did this, but is was because..." "They did that, but is not what is seems like..." "they did that but it looks worse than what actually was"

NO It was not because, it is what it seems like and it was that bad.

Don't try to find excuses for their behaviour/defend them.

  • You feel like they are not happy with you

Then maybe it's true. Someone who actually cares about you will make you feel like they love you, without you have to try to guess why or have doubts.

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Tips and advice

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  • Sometimes, even the abuser can't control what they do. That might be due to external factors, like mental illness, or abusive parents. So, no worth hoping they will change
  • Its totally okay to be in love with the abuser. The abuse does not start right away, and some of these people, only show these signs after being in the relationship. Just get into your mind, he/she is not who you tought would be, and that the abuses are a cycle that you need to break
  • Always listen to what your friends/family have to say. Most of the time they are aware before you of what's going on, and you just turn a blind eye. Don't to that. Listen and think about what they say, they are trying to protect you
  • If you are friends with a victim of abuse, never blame it on the victim. It's not their fault, they were manipulated. Sometimes, as I already said, the abuse does not start right away and it might be so gradual, that the victim does not understand the transition. Just make sure you show them your support
  • I case of extreme abuse call the police if necessary and don't be afraid to do it.
  • Make sure you read more about the matter in these websites, and always seek the help of a health professional, It's no shame to have mental issues after being a victim:

http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/abuse.html

https://www.yourtango.com/experts/wendy-kay/avoid-abusive-relationship-15-signs-abuser-expert

https://www.yourtango.com/experts/marni-feuerman/signs-abusive-relationship

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That was it. If you are passing through this or have already passed, you are not alone, you are worth and not a loser. If you want someone to vent or talk about this, you can always pm me and I will try to help in what I can. <3