don't promise me anything. not on a monday or in any other day of the week. you might read this someday and you'll think 'god, he's being dramatic again' but for all sake you cannot expect anyone to be content. and i know you wouldn't either. i'm understanding (as much as i can be) but this hurt me.

perhaps i simply expect too much. do i demand too much of you? various times i have considered sitting back and quietly watching you do whatever you have to do. but perhaps i am much too needy. that's why it hurts so much doesn't it? that's why it hurt to not have you around the day i was supposed to. maybe i take things too seriously. but how can i lower my expectations? how can i know for sure to do that when it's you. maybe that's my fault again. because maybe i gave you a lot of requirements to meet and you meet them for the sake of feeling good and now all i can do is hold you to them. i should have been easier on you. i should be more understanding.

could be labeled tragic just how bad this could get. unfortunate perhaps. if only i wasn't such a needy person. if only i didn't take words too seriously. if only seeing you wasn't something i looked forward to. seriously, i wish i could immediately turn off how excited i feel to see you. i wish i could be solid neutral so that we could both avoid me waking up at 7 am and writing about how sad i feel. woudn't that be ideal? ha.

i don't know if it's insecurities, i don't know if it's mere annoyance but either way.. i'm not getting into either. all i know is that there's some lump in my throat and i wish i could explain it without being repetitive, without being a baby. i wish i didn't care so much. you are just you and you are a busy person, why can't i understand that? why can't i assimilate that better than i do so that i can be okay when you don't appear? wish i could be more sure of myself. wish holding your hand wasn't so difficult. maybe now just isn't the time for promises.

so i won't be so hopeful. i won't be so expectant of you. for our sake i won't let myself be too excited for the what ifs because they never end up on a good sign.let me know when you have it. please come back to me when it is. i'll be there if you just reach out.