This is me trying to explain it

Whats the use?, I've been asking myself lately. What's the use of trying or striving or doing right or doing wrong. What's the use in doing anything at all. I wake up every morning dreading the day ahead. I go to school, depending on how I feel I might go to practice, ill do my homework (if I know how to do it somedays at school my brain can barely function I just sit in class), ill eat a lot or somedays not at all, ill listen to the same songs over and over sometimes ill discover new music and make a new meaning to a newly made playlist. Nothing feels truly exciting or worth it. Everything just feels so hard or against me. I love my friends and family and they love me don't get me wrong but if had to leave them for some reason I don't think i'd miss them too much. I've always been alone anyway, I take care of myself. And I don't see me making a huge impact on their lives they'd be okay if I left. I'm only still here because I have hope. I have hope that when I get older I can leave this place I can go wherever I want and see anything and do anything. I only have 2 people really keeping me here my best friend and the love of my life. But what life those things don't last forever? What if I don't do well enough in school and I can't leave this place, what if my anxiety and depression and insecurities never go away? How am I going to get through life alone? I've always felt that I was meant to be alone and I was okay with that for awhile I actually liked to be, but "he" changed that. And now I'm so afraid to lose him. And now if he's gone I don't wanna be here. I never felt id live into my 40's or even my 30's. I don't think I'm meant to be here long. I don't know what to do. I want to feel things how everyone else does and I want to be motivated and happy and smart which I've never been, life hasn't been kind me. My dad said him and my mother are a little "off", so it makes sense that I would be too. I don't think "off" people do well here. I've thought like this since I was about 8 aren't these thoughts odd for an 8 year old? I think and think so much but still, nothing makes sense.


color, day, and light image
"the sun will rise and we will try again"
Image by كاميگازّي
"look around you be grateful for what you have in a year nothing will be the same, things change"

flowers, background, and spring image
"I'm tired of feeling this way" by Elijah
sky, clouds, and stars image
"before I close my eyes" by xxxtentacion "numb" by xxxtentacion
aesthetic bart beautiful Superthumb
"window" by joji "ultimately" by khai dreams "companion" by christian leave "let me die" by lil happy lil sad

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