My mind is constantly thinking even if it’s so random. Usually about how useless I am and why I’m here. I’ve seemed to realize my past relationships, friends, or more have been ended. Well I’m too much for them. I don’t trust anyone with my feelings or to open up to them. Some I do those are the ones I really trust. So, anyways it’s like I just want someone to make me a bit happier with my life, some to make me feel special in some way, or making me notice that I’m not so useless. But I continue to hurt myself by getting so attached.
One recent thing that’s happened to me was, thinking that I loved someone or could actually be “happy” around. Having that feeling that I’ll get to know her more in the future and we could continue to get closer and closer. We’d talk everyday almost, she’d send me stuff on Instagram as in cute ways to say things about me, playing games with me, starting iMessage games, staying up late, and saying goodnight and good morning. I took all of that for granted as I thought that we were going in a good direction. One random day. I tried talking to her, she’d give me a dry response or seemed to me like I was being too annoying or clingy. Basically like she was ignoring me or she was trying to forget me. I think about it so much today. It’s all my fault I was this close to someone and when the leave I can’t do anything but sit there and cry or regret everything I did wrong, realizing how much I fuck everything up. I’m such a mess all the time. Since she stopped answering me. I just accepted the fact that she wanted to let me go. I’m so used to it I barely notice until random thoughts fill up my mind and there she is again. I’m always thinking about her and the way we used to be. I stopped trying to get her attention to get her to talk to me. I started understanding that I should just try to forget her that’s what people told me. I really can’t. I try so hard and it goes no where. We haven’t talked since that day. I regret everything I’ve done. I could’ve been saying things but I was too shy or nervous. How someone you loved can seem easily happy that you’re not there, or there just hiding the fact that you’re not in their life. They can easily disappear out of sight. And you took everything for granted. What a fucking idiot I’d say everyday. Late nights I’d stay up reading old messages she’d say, the next minute I’m in tears. I just want to call her and listen to her voice and tell her how much I love her. And I can’t.