I had never taken into consideration the damage that was taking place in my body. Truthfully, I was killing myself, but without direct intentions of suicide. Accutane, is a drug I was prescribed on two different occasions, which would assist in reducing my severe facial acne. This offered many promises, and excited me in a way that is indescribable. The thought of no longer needing to feel wildly insecure about myself excited me, and made me anxious to see how my future would look beyond my acne ridden face.

The price of which I payed for these pills was small in dollars, but continues to be large in physical expense. Taking this pill carries the risk of liver damage, something so serious that blood tests are required just to assure that, explicitly, I am not dying from this medicine. Although I knew of these risks when I initially decided to start my journey on accutane, I wasn’t frightened in ways that some may tend to be. To this day, my peers express their worry when I inform them on what exactly is going on inside of me, but the outer part of me greatly benefits from my internal (possible) deterioration.

It is crazy to base confidence solely on outer appearance, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t crazy. The way I go about thinking about it, people see my face before they see who I am as a person. It embarrassed me that people would see my poor skin, before they saw my rich personality and all I had to offer. People who are, or were, in my past position are free to feel differently about how they decide to fuel their confidence, but in my times of low self esteem I refused to leave my house without covering the acne that littered my face. Those who are able to go out and feel strong with their acne are beings I respect, it takes a certain amount of self awareness to not be effected by how others may judge you.

Aside from my experience with acne medications that I have taken, and been greatly disappointed by, I am well aware that I am not the only person who, at times, suffers with a lack of self confidence. Although mine is fuelled by my breakouts, others may be fuelled by a birthmark or their size in jeans. Insecurity varies, and is dealt with in different ways by everyone around us. We are all suffering from some kind of aspect that, in some ways, holds us back from our full potential. Mine just happened to be my acne.

I think it would be wrong for me to close this post without some form of positivity. It can be irritating when people try and shine light on your dark areas of insecurity and imperfection, but recognize that we all have dark areas. Sometimes those areas need to be explored, even if we need to bring a flashlight with us. I have tried my hardest to overcome the aspects of myself that hold me back from being the best version of myself, and am currently living my best life as I learn to appreciate my appearance and potential. The same can’t be said for my future self, when the medicine wares off and my risks of getting the same severity of acne returns. But for the time being, I am content with who I am as a person, and there is no one in this world who is able to hold me back from blooming into the, metaphorical, flower I am supposed to be.

I challenge you to find the beauty in yourself, and to appreciate everything you are inside and out. Do not weigh your pros and cons, only think of yourself with a positive mindset. You will be happier the more you do this, trust me. Learn to have self love, and allow yourself to grow.

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