Oh, my dear scroller. Are you still there? If you are, then dear LORD you have patience (*snap*snap* for you, lovely). What has become of me? I completely abandoned this wonderful writing challenge even though there were only a few days more to go and honestly if this doesn't properly represent me as a person, then I don't know what does. I will finish the challenge but I've been busy lately. Mentally and physically (however I think this is a topic for another article). I did write though. I started to write a book. I'm actually about 250 pages in and to be completely honest it's the shittiest thing I've ever read in my entire life but that's just my creating process to you, so here's that.

Today won't be about a challenge or a task or whatever. Today I'll write something for me. Purely for me.

Something almost life changing happened to me the other day. And no, I was not knighted by the Queen, however I can see how you made that mistake tossing my hair behind my shoulder. No, I'm kidding. I'm not to be a knight. I'm more of a jester really. But not the good kind. The one that's laughing at his own jokes more that anybody else? Yeah.. that's me. I'm getting away from my point! I had a revelation and I'll share it with you.

I'm a horrible person. No, like seriously. I mean… I'm sure Hitler would NOT be impressed by my mean contributions to the world, however… I'm a horrible person. I can be so mean to the people I love and care deeply for. Why? Why am I like this? Honestly, my mother's a lovely neurotic teacher but she loves me. I know that! So why is it that when she's acting like a normal human being I'm crying in my room, feeling like Anne Frank… just more depressing. I'm kidding! Obviously. That too though. I can be SO mean and rude to my friends whilst I'm joking and really I could mess around in a much kinder manner but nooooo I have to act like a dickhead. I might be related to Boris Johnson… who knows. My hair doesn't look that good anyways… And obviously I feel horrible afterwards and I apologize and try to do anything possible to fix it (seriously, once I had an argument with my mom and I stayed up till like 4am so I was able to clean the whole house, made her breakfast and tried to leave cute love notes for her… it would be quite lovely really if I didn't completely burnt the breakfast and our whole house smelled like death… but yeah. It's the thought that counts, eh?). So yes, I DO try to do better and be better but nonetheless, I was being mean and I still am.

So, now we've all establish that I'm a bit of a bully when it comes to people I Iove. And I've just been thinking about it the other day like »Oh, god! Why am I like this? Maybe that's why F.R.I.E.N.D.S. are actually the ONLY friends I spent my Friday night with.« (Joey thinks I'm funny anyways so excuse you, we're having a marvelous time!) »Why do you treat people like that? YOU wouldn't want to be treated like that now would you?« and then it hit me. I've been a bully to myself for the longest time. I mean yeah, I knew I had issues with the way I look (really, what is it with older sisters? Do they just take all the good genes? She's like a goddess and I look like (as Legolas would say): »A goblin mutant.«HOW IS THIS FAIR?!) but I still had some respect for myself, at least I thought I did. And now I've realised, I've been a complete asshole to myself this whole time! I'm not just talking about my physical appearance. I've criticised everything I did. How I walked, how I spoke, danced, sang, draw, studied… even If I succeeded somewhere, my automatic thought was »Not good enough.« or »Cool. But you could do better.«, »Why are you sad? You don't deserve it. You have everything. You should be happy.«, »You feel sorry for yourself? Pathetic.« I was very close to wholeheartedly hate everything about myself and I've had enough of it. No wonder I was so unhappy and cranky and bitter when I was just being miserable because of my unfortunate existence. Honestly! My life is wonderful! I am SO privileged! I've lived in peace, in a loving family, I have a possibility to learn, to travel, to get medical help… Wait. I'm doing it again. No. Yes, be more grateful and humble but do not punish yourself because you think you do not deserve it. Learn from your mistakes. Love others, help if you can and never lose faith. By loving myself, I'll love others better. I will help other easier. From now on, I'll try and love this goblin mutant of a human. I might even be an adorable goblin mutant. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, learning to love myself will be something to look forward to and something that'll change the way I look at myself. It will take a while but I'll try. I'll start to appreciate my mind, my body, I'll spent more time doing the things I like, I'll stop comparing myself to others and I'll learn to LOVE myself! Because I deserve it! There. I said it. For the first time. I deserve to be loved. Whoah…

There it is… my long-lost article. It was a bit longer than I expected. I don't know if there's anyone who's read this but if you did I congratulate you and leave you with this »simple« meassge: LOVE. By gods! It's so cliché that is killing my salty and bitter soul but honestly, it's the truth. Love yourself. Love others. Love the world. It's hard. But hey, let's learn and try together, yeah?

Untill next time my lovely, lovely scroller. Be brave to let yourself feel loved and be loved. Bye!