sometimes i think only i can understand myself. if anything. and not in an edgy, teenager, no one gets me kind of way but more like.. i have really weird thoughts and too many feelings i do not expect anyone to comprehend them when i attempt to express them. but you do that too, and you do that all the time. so much so that we often find each other saying how much we aren't good at saying what we feel instead of anything else but it's endearing when you get trampled in your words and all you can do is end it with that.

i doubt that anybody will read this but me but i will retell it like it's a published story. we were going out on our first date. both agreed going to lotte world would be nice for a first date, the days leading up to it were genuinely so exciting i had a hard time thinking of anything else at all. i don't know how many times i told you that i was excited, i began to annoy myself. you'd always reply with ''me too'' and this only made me feel better. i knew you wanted this just as much as i did so i knew i had to make it worth the while. one thing i didn't know is we'd not even make it to lotte. i didn't know that our date would take place in a company car i let you drive, on the side of the road in the darkness but perhaps this was what was meant to happen. perhaps this was a much better date idea than Lotte and you were indirectly telling me it.

just a few days earlier we spent our time looking at pointless stuff on rabbit, you taught me things and we shared songs, conversations and in one of them you mentioned i made it seem like i was in love with you with the way i spoke and thank god i wasn't right beside you because something in me snapped when i read those words aloud. it seemed like you knew more about me than i was ready to let you know at the very moment. it seemed like you had discovered what i had been hiding for a reason and it didn't make me feel vulnerable, that's not the word. it made me feel uneasy. unsure. it made me feel exposed. i hugged myself and tried to change the conversation simply to not give myself away but there was no point because it thumped in my head for days after that. i questioned it, evaluated the possibility only to justify why i felt that way with the things you said. if it was true, i needed to be sure before i opened my mouth.

not long before we had our date destination in sight the words slipped from my mouth. i told you, as you drove peacefully, i said i'm in love with you and i couldn't even look at you as i was saying this because it was such a weight on my chest i had no idea how you'd react to me expressing it at all. i was concerned, for i was in the passenger seat and we had somewhere to be, despite you having your license i figured if you stray even a little bit we'd both be screwed. the curving of the car, the way it moved right out of its tracks and stopped suddenly was also enough to intimidate me. i still couldn't look at you until you asked me to repeat what i had just said. so boldly and demanding almost. it made me relaxed. it was nice. it was something that made me content.

''i am in love with you. i'll say it louder if you need me to'' and the rest of the night was invested in us kissing to assure the statement, perhaps. and i felt like myself. i felt like i belonged in that car, our in the middle of the street, perhaps in lotte as long as you were there. kissing me. with that closeness, the intimacy that made me feel like i could give you my heart. that i want to give you my heart. someday. if you let me. because it hasn't felt like i belong anywere else in such a long time, i haven't felt a better suited hand intertwined with mine. nor any other pair of lips that can bring me down to earth.
i am in love with you hyunggu, and i would do the impossible to make you happy