POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING
My mother left, after many tears had shed down her pale face. I felt awful. How could I have been so selfish. I went to my room and slept before being woke up to going to art therapy. We were to decorate our own mask. The outside is how we portray ourselves, and the inside.. who we really were. I enjoyed this activity very much and wanted to continue even when the art teacher had left for the night. The paint dried through the moonlight and colors painted the hospital.

Avery and I sat on the couch as everyone watched The Notebook. People were making phone calls to their friends and family. Others where drawing. After a while, a couple of us got the strings from our hospital socks and began threading our eyebrows. That night had to be the best night of my stay. We all stayed up pretty late and ran up and down the halls though it had been time to go to sleep. The nurses didn't care but would occasionally "shush" us because there was a few people who had fallen asleep.

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"There is nothing wrong with loving yourself"

I had gotten tired as the clock cruised passed 1a and went to sleep. The nightlight in the bedroom became a dream, as the laughter in the hallway faded.

The next few days were calm and we had gotten a couple of new patients. I had also made a few more friends. My one-on-ones where going well. I had been eating a little more with the help of the nurses. They weighted me and we decided by the end of the week it should increase a bit. They never discussed my weight number with me but I already had a good idea of how low it had been. I was having a difficult time eating but I felt pressured while eating in a group. I didn't tell this to anyone. I began eating slowly. Salads.

When I would take a shower, I could tell I was gaining weight, and this gave me a lot of anxiety. I would drink a lot of water throughout the day. 8 cups at least. I could feel the calories going onto my thighs. It sounds like an exaggeration but when you are insecure as much as I am/was, it isn't. When I meet with my mom for another family session, she said I looked good. This triggered me, good. My mind raced to the most bizarre thoughts. I knew what good meant. Fat.

The next day, I began just playing with my food. Taking a few bites here and there and getting up to trash it. I would go to my bedroom to "write" and go slip into the bathroom and puke the few bites of food I had consumed into the water bowl. I did this for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The thing about eating disorders is that it steals your whole life away. It pulls you away from your family and closes friends. It makes you lie and keep secrets from the people you love.

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"forgive yourself to progress yourself"

My doctor and nurse had noticed how my weight was more or less the same. My friends were concerned and confronted me about only taking a few bites off my plate. My roommate, though we were never on great terms, also was concerned. I was sure that Avery and Violet had told her of my diagnoses, though I will never know for certain.

One day, after dinner, I had gone into the restroom. When I was done and opened the door my roommate was on her bed (closest to the door of the restroom), she gave me a weary smile. I walked out to the nurse's desk and asked for sleeping pills because I couldn't fall asleep. When I was walking back into the bedroom Jane was in a chair in the TV room. I went to sleep.

The next morning, during vitals the nurse said my doctor, James, wanted me to go to his office after breakfast. I watched the news until we had to go to the cafeteria. I waited a while before throwing my trash and asking to go to Dr.James.

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"so many years of education yet no one taught us how to love ourselves and why it's so important"

When I walked into his office, he told me to have a seat, and I did as told. I grabbed a peppermint from his desk and held it in my hand. He told me that someone told him that I was throwing up after dinner the night before. He asked, "Are you feeling ill?" I knew he was being stupid, of course he had known what I was doing but he was testing me. "I didn't feel well." My heart was pounding, I was pissed. Of course Jane would tell the doctor. She wants me to be stuck in here forever. She was jealous.

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"It's not art unless it has the potential to be a disaster"

Part 3 of 5

You are beyond beautiful. You've walk through your hardest days a warrior. You continue like a fighter, and you move on even when it hurts. You are precious.

Disclaimer: names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals

Much love, Lexi. Mwah.