Warning: this can be triggering if you have/had an eating disorder

First, let me tell you:

My whole life, everthing would revolve around food. I was always dieting, always calculating. After everything 'bad' (sweets, junk food..) I ate, I felt guilty and with time, I stopped enjoying food. I knew that once this piece of chocolate would melt in my mouth, I'd regret eating it.

I had an average weight until the age of 12, then I gained weight. Now, I'm 17 and a month ago,I was 22 pounds overweight. The thing is I'm very petite, so people often don't notice that I'm overweight. But whenever I look at the mirror, I feel disgusted with myself because I feel so fat and ugly. Sometimes I don't even dare to look.

Gaining weight was mostly because of binging. I would eat so much without being able to control it. My stomach would hurt so much, but I couldn't stop.


I started dieting, and I lost 8.5 pounds in a month. It wasn't unhealthy. I calculated how much calories I had to eat in a day for my length and weight.

(Oh and btw, the way I diet is always with counting calories)

Okay so everything I've written now are things that I'm experiencing for years. The feelings of guilt, the counting of calories, the body dismorphic feelings...

I never realized, never in 6 years that all those things were actually 'symptoms' of an eating disorder.

You know, usually when we think about an eating disorder, we think about someone who is extremely thin. I wasn't and so, I never even considered of having an eating disorder.

As I was saying, I lost 8.5 pounds and the way I planned it wasn't unhealthy in the beginning.

But then, something happened. I had a binge, after weeks of eating perfectly (not starving myself nor eathing unhealthy). I panicked. The thought of putting on weight made me so scared and anxious.

After the binge had ended, I felt the food burning inside of me. I felt sick and I hated myself. I hated myself so much and so, I decided to exercise. I did a workout of half an hour. I had burned all the extra calories I'd eaten.

However, something still wasn't right. I still had a disgusting feeling. So, I went upstairs to the bathroom and I vomited, on purpose. And the worst thing was, I felt triumphant

(I had only vomited on purpose, once: 2 months ago)

Then six days later, the same happened. And now I finally realize that I've had an eating disorder for so long. (Now that I think about it, I also always had periods of fasting and overeating..)

I think you could say my eating disorder is worsening.

Thanks for reading! I hope my writing wasn't too chaotic..