Damn, I thought I would be able to do this challenge without any problem but apparently the world decided to make me do 37436 projects for the same week, so I haven’t done the challenges of the past 4 days lmao. I just arrived home after being outside all day, and I just want to take a shower and sleep but I’m not going to do that as I should keep the promise I made to myself…

Anyway, I think this question is one of the hardest on the list, basically because I am not even sure I have ever loved someone lol but I will tell you the story of the closest thing to love I have felt.

You know, sometimes it is really embarrassing to know that someone close to me is probably reading all this personal stuff I am writing but, I think if we are close enough it should be fine to know these kind of things so, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

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Well, to start off, I never grew attached to many people, for not saying no one. It has never been easy for me to feel like I am close to someone as I spend so many years feeling like I was the only one there for me. Even if I had a few friends It didn’t feel as if they would be there when I needed them, and indeed they weren’t. It doesn’t mean they were bad, I think we just were in similar situations where we needed someone to support us, and not to be a supporter.

Now, years later, I think that was the problem. We were too similar, and I was too selfish to realize. But I can’t only blame myself. It doesn’t mean it’s all good now, as my trust in others and myself is gone and this is the main reason why I never approached others and shut myself up to the world. But not everything was bad either, as I kept in touch with the people who deep inside were there for me, even if I didn’t notice at the moment. Maybe they also realized a little bit late I was actually there for them too.

Anyway, I think this is not the main point but it definitely is necessary to explain what my first “love” meant for me. The conclusion of all this is: my trust and confidence in others and myself were nonexistent. With the years I changed, I opened a little bit and came to the conclusion that It is the best way to be happy and achieve whatever you want, that I needed to be more carefree. I was always so worried about what I should or should not do that I forgot to live. Even now, sometimes it’s hard for me but I think I improved a lot tbh.

One day I met this guy, my friends introduced him to me. At first I didn’t like him, I didn’t dislike him either, he was just there. But one night, by coincidence, we ended up having dinner at a friend’s house and it got too late to go home so we decided to stay there and spend the night. We had a sofa for each one, we tried to sleep but we couldn’t so basically we spent all night talking and getting to know each other. At that moment he had a gf so I knew nothing would happen but, he kept trying to hold my hands so I thought “well, you’re the one with a girlfriend so, you’ll see what you do…”. After that night we kept in touch everyday, it was too obvious we liked each other, everyone knew, but he still didn’t break up with his gf even if he wanted to.

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Then one day, he told me he decided to stay with his gf so I thought “ok, maybe this is how it should be, maybe this is the best because I am not confident enough yet, etc”. I was actually really worried just with the thought of dating, it gave me so much anxiety I couldn’t even sleep for a week. But then, after less than a week he said he broke up with her and I was like “oh, well”. A week later, while we were in the club with our friends he invited me to the cinema (so cliché I know), and we all knew what would happen, it was really obvious goddammit. And I got anxious again, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand the pressure. Still, I wanted to try because we was going to leave after 2 months anyway so, It would have been a shame.

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So, we started dating and let me tell you that it wasn’t that good at first. I had too much anxiety and felt so insecure even if I was with someone that loved me. With time it got much better, we talked things and he tried to understand my feeling even if I didn’t completely tell him the real problem. He was always there for me and tried to understand me, and that was what I appreciated the most. Still, I felt like ending it all because he wanted to spend all day with me but I needed my freedom. But I understood him, because he was leaving soon, so I endured till the last day.

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I don’t think it is easy to find someone willing to understand all your thoughts and concerns, to talk it all before acting; someone that is always there, for the good and the bad; and capable to risk everything for you. He was like that, but I realized a little bit late. I tried my best, and I hope I meant to him as much as he meant for me.

I am not sure if it was love but, It was definitely worth the suffering at first, because at the end I found myself missing him more than I thought I would before he left. Still, I think it was the best for both of us to separate at last. It was the healthiest option. I sure learned a lot, and I am really grateful for that.

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I know i wrote a lot and i used a lot of pictures but believe me, i would have liked to put even more, because i found a lot of pictures i can relate to, and i think many people can also relate to them so, i will leave here the link to a colection of quotes and relatable/positive stuff i think we all need to read at least once. Thank you for reading!