Dear reader,

You know that moment, where the universe gives you happiness... A reason to just...be ? Don't you hate it? Because there's this one minute where your heart is filled with nothing but joy and everything, including yourself, feels like it's exactly where it belongs but the next thing you know is that you're curling up against a pillow on your bed alone in your room crying out loud, but not loud enough for someone to listen, and you feel nothing....that empty feeling makes you dread existence itself and question yourself, who and why you are the way you are.

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This feeling of emptiness leads to a feeling of not wanted where you are... Like you belong someplace else, it makes you want to drop everything and runaway to a place with minimum population and people who care enough to let you be.

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For me, this feeling is recurring and i try to fight it but when it comes back the urge to go through it once and for all(to stop what i am doing and just start running away from everyone and everything i know)is stronger... Maybe the urge isn't but my life is getting worse by the minute...the only thing stopping me is the fear of being found again which will complicate my life even more than it already is...The people around me make it harder for me to hold on to something because one day or the other it will be taken away from me & the chances of it being replaced by something better are null.

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I can't be happy because i am sad and i try to deal with the sadness that i have but I can't because I don't really know the cause of it...you know, the root...it sounds stupid but it is what it is. I can't feel free even when i am alone because then when i am not, it will be harder for me to face the reality that i will ALWAYS be entitled to some people, that i will always have someone whom i have to answer to...that i will never not be controlled and be allowed to do something for my own sake...god i wish I wasn't chained to the life I currently am living.

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I am being torn apart simply because I realised it too late that no one ever gives you something without wanting it back or expecting something in return and neither does the universe. The only difference between people and the universe is that the universe snatches whatever it wants away from you because it doesn't have to care about how you feel.
The sooner you realise this the better you get at not holding on to things or people longer and the lesser you end up hurting yourself...
At least that is what my life taught me so far.
Untill next time...

Yours truly,
Erlebnis✩

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