this is going to be a tad personal

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last year around this time.

Last night I was looking back on how far I have come and I realized that I truly would not be alive today if stuff had played out differently. I remember a time last year, around the beginning of 2017, when I was planning to kill myself. I had it all planned out down to the minute and it was merely an hour before my plan was going to take place when something happened that changed my mind. It was like something clicked into place and I no longer knew what I was doing.

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This click, only lasted for a week before the hopelessness hit again. I even thought about killing myself after but I never did get so close as that day. About a month before that night, I had begun self harming. I only did it a few times but it still managed to make it on my list of lowest moments. I remember one specific night where I was so angry, hurt, and numb that I was trying to self harm but I kept messing up. In that moment I felt as if I could not do anything right, as I even messed up when hurting myself. So I went outside and tried to keep my shit together until I was out of sight from the front door and then I began to run as fast as I could. Fifteen minutes later, I proceeded to fall upon the grass and just lay there breathing for what felt like an eternity. In that moment I felt okay.

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During the same time period was when my eating disorder had been at its absolute worst. I had struggled with an eating disorder since 5th grade,,, Although, during this time I was starving myself and purging most of the time. I remember this one week that I lost twenty pounds. I was also abusing my prescription medication because I knew it would help me not be hungry and help me throw up. I took loads more than prescribed and I took it for the wrong purpose.

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To this day, I struggle... But I have made so much progress it is unbelievable. To my friends I am known as a free-spirited, incredibly easy-going, and happy individual who is carefree. I eat when I am hungry with the intention of nourishing myself. I exercise daily. I meditate. I do yoga. I read. I learn. I am living.

I still have relapses with my past struggles, but, I have turned my life around drastically in the past year, and I am so proud of myself!!

until next time, laur <3