bassically depression is a chemical unbalance in the brain. a lack of neurotransmitters. you can't look into your brain, you just notice that everything around you seems to suck, even if logically analysed there's nothing wrong. it's not the circumstances that weight you down, even though usually they contribute to it. the reason isn't outside, it's inside.

in my case, i can hardly find the motivation to get up, i like to sleep instead of doing something. i see the negative in everything, especially other peoples behaviour and myself. i also feel how my brains cabability shrinks, i'm missing words, thinking slowly and it takes me ages to respond to an important text message. especially because i overthink everthing and i doubt myself and everything i do. it just keeps me from enjoying life.

i just see the the worst possibility in everything and everything feels so negative. even the fun things, meeting with friends and stuff, it just sucks. and they sometimes even tell me how much they enjoyed the time with me and how nice it is to talk to me but i still hate every second and i'm so sorry for that. but at least i don't drag the people around me down. so that's good. i don't want to isolate myself, even though i can't really connect with anyone.

in the end i'm managing life pretty good, i do the least i have to do in school but i still care for myself, clean my room, wear makeup, cook food, go for a walk and things like that. and i have actually the best conditions to have a good life, my family has enough money, i go on a great school, i have people around me that care for me.

so i'm optimistic that i can get happy again. just a hard time right now, but the hard times have their right to be there. and this place where i am right now is excactly where i need to be right now. it's a journey and the downs are simply part of it.

i hope you all are doing well but if anyone has got similar struggles, feel free to text me. and i'm actually getting professional help, so don't worry about me, i have my next psychologist appointment in a week. so i guess i'll be better soon and until then i'll just stick with some writing because this actually helps me a lot and even more when i can share it. so thank you for reading :)

some people say you should surround yourself with positivity when you're down.
but sometimes this doesn't work, it feels like your lying to yourself and suppressing negative emotions doesn't solve them.
what helps way better is contemplating the root of your sadness, understanding it and feeling understood.
that's why i want to share this with you.