Possible Trigger Warning
I still have days where I just want to sleep forever and close everyone out but I am not finished with my story and will continue on till it's time for me to go home.

I developed anorexia nervosa when I was around 9 years old. I never really thought it was a problem. To be completely honest, I young and thought it was semi-normal to stop eating and exercising excessively.

an·o·rex·i·a
ˌanəˈreksēə
noun
a lack or loss of appetite for food (as a medical condition).
an emotional disorder characterized by an obsessive desire to lose weight by refusing to eat.

It wasn't that I saw myself as "fat", I just didn't see myself as skinny enough. My body image wasn't distorted irregularly like others say but I didn't exactly accept myself because of my weight at the time.

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"The minute you realize your worth you shift your energy to attract new people who respect your worth. It starts with you first."

When I was 12, I began hanging out with older kids who thought I was "beautiful and skinny". The word skinny stuck out more than beautiful and I liked being the skinny girl. I would beg my parents for fashion magazines and the tinniest clothes. I would stray away from breakfast, then lunch and eventually I found out I could get away without eating dinner too. It was sort of a game, see how far you can go before the game is over. Before you have vanished, except you can't retry. I (people with eating disorders in general) are playing Russian roulette with diets.

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"Be gentle with yourself"

At the age of 13, I lost a very close friend this had me running fast towards depression. My parents and friends noticed how sad I was getting, and my grades started dropping rapidly. I went on late runs and staying over at a friends house to use her treadmill. I gave up on my school work, shut out my parents and some of my "bffs". One night I worked my body so hard I had begun to feel dizzy and after some time passed out. My mother raced me to the nearest hospital, taking the little ones with her.

There they weighted me, feed me and drew blood. When pulling up my sleeve the doctor and nurse saw fresh wound that I had carved into my elbow crease. My mother started "tripping balls" as the male nurse would later say, and made my strip into my bra and panties. At the time, I thought she was being ridiculous and selfish.. but now I realize she was in pain and thought she had "failed as a mother". I was sent to a glass room where the staff could see me at all times. When I finally got the energy to stand, I went into the restroom of my room and flushed 4 pills I had in my pink jacket pocket down the toilet. They told my mother that my weight was extremely low for someone of my height and age.

I was stuck in the hospital for a lovely 10-hours before they could find a room for me at a behavioral center. My mother stayed with me, and called a friend to take my younger sisters and brother home. After waiting another 2-hours the ambulance finally arrived to transport me to the behavioral center. I was strapped down in the bed and my mother followed behind the ambulance.

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"Everything will be so good so soon just hang in there & don't worry about it too much" (You can never worry too much about your mental health)

When I got there I had to take the string out of my sweatpants, and the shoe laces out from my black and white converse. I was extremely anxious about the thought of staying somewhere overnight without a single person I knew with me, but I feel asleep after my mother filled out paperwork and the doctor asked questions. After all.. it was 2am and I hadn't got a single second of shut eye.

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"Comparison will kill you"

(Part 1- I will be posting Part 2 shortly)
Much love, Lexi. Mwah.