I'm still learning. You know, despite the fact that I've been practicing my whole life. With no siblings, no warm/fuzzy parents, and no long-standing friendships I'm good at it since I was a kid. I was good because I was okay with it - I didn't know anything else. I was accepting, like, "this is how it's supposed to be, this is how it is". Like the sky being blue, like me having a nose. I never had a problem with it and because it was my constant state I even sometimes found myself searching for it when I was experiencing the opposite.
The only person you can count on is yourself. The others are going to let you down, or leave you somehow at one point or another. That's how it goes.
Recently the situation in my life had lead me to believe that maybe it didn't always have to be that way. Maybe, by finding the right people it could make what I've been thinking my whole life be wrong. Maybe I didn't always have to fend for myself. I could take care of some people and have some people think about me, for a change.
It was good for a while. It was gorgeous. I was happy, they were happy. But that didn't last too long, it had a lifeline. And now that that's been snipped it's like life's trying to tell me I was right all along. Like when you're doing a test in middle school and you put down the right answer and then doubting it seconds later, erase it and put down something else. Only to have the test back a week later telling you in big gashy red strokes that you were right the whole time. You didn't have to change your answer. You didn't have to doubt.
Today I'm here, sitting and feeling like I'm experiencing withdrawal syndrome. Because I know exactly what it feels like to have people, to feel like you had arms to catch you in case you tripped. Like you had someone watching over you. Now it's gone, I don't have it anymore. I've been feeling pretty awful.
I'm better now, still feeling quite shitty but better. There's no light shining through my eyes and into my head to guide me out yet, but we're getting there. Still, I'm glad I feel bad, I'm glad I felt awful, because this only reassures me of the knowledge I held before, this means time and relying completely on myself (having confidence) is the best way to go about everything always.
I'm making my way through the mud that is having only yourself. It's a bit like re-learning how to be alone and lonely all over again. I like it. It feels fresh. It feels confident. It feels brave. It feels like the significantly bigger balls I had when I was younger. And I hope that if anyone is going through something similar or perhaps struggling with being alone and lonely, that you know that it's good. It's okay. We are going to be okay.

I've got something for sure,