I wanted to kill me underneath. I’ve realized how much i hate myself so much and i cannot understand who I am. This deep spite has been the motivation behind my behavior for the past few years. And I can't quite deal with it. If I had someone in my life treating me the way I treated myself, I would've gotten rid of them a long time ago. But why am I still here? People say to the mentally ill, “you know so many people think of you.” But when they don't like themselves, they don't notice anything. They don’t care about what people think of them. When you hate yourself, whatever people say doesn't make sense. The mind thinks thoughts that we don't plan. It's not as if we say “at 9:10, im going to be filled with self-hatred.” Im not hurt because of what others think about me. It's more of what I think about myself. And the attempt to force human beings to despise themselves is what i call hell. I keep saying i'm selfish and that i hate myself for it, but i do it anyway. I can't deny myself what i want, even if it brings myself down. The critical spirit rises up against itself and consumes its forms. Hyper-criticism eventuate in self-hatred, leaving behind it only ruins. I felt lonely and alone. My loneliness suffocated me, and I craved to scream, shout and kill me while seeing all this. However, self-hatred occupied me. I don't have to say so because people can see it from leagues away. I am ugly, shy and anachronistic, but by dint of not wanting to be those things, I have to pretend to be just the opposite. I hate myself more than I hate others. Im miserably egotistic even with hate. I get into moods where i hate the people around me. I don't know why. I don't really care what you think about me because its guaranteed that you'll never be able to hate me more than i hate myself.