They say loneliness frequents the house she lives in, rapping at her door and listing all the number of times it will visit again. At times like these, her little heart fills with an emotion so heavy, it always leaves her exhausted by the time it leaves. Moments like these seem to have no beginning, no end, for they’ve been companions for as long as she can remember. An unusual relationship, but not unheard of. Loneliness seems to be better at making friends than she can anyway.
Sometimes, she stares out of her cage, eyes raised in curiosity, mind dancing in wonder, taking in the world around. A place where everyone seems happy enough to be enjoying whatever it is that they’re enjoying. She wonders what that feels like, tries to remember what it feels like, for it has been ages since a calm like that ever washed upon her. A distant memory, a faint taste. Perhaps something she had once reveled in. She tries and tries but it’s as if her brain has forgotten it all. Erased the evidences like some dirty cop keeping a criminal clean from the eyes of the law.
Moments like these always fill her heart with dread and guilt instead. Like it’s her fault she can no longer enjoy again. Perhaps it really is, one can never truly know. It’s not like she does it out of choice. For if that was the case, she’d rather prefer to experience again what the mirth tasted like. Bathe in the high that comes only in waves, washing all over the senses like some lovesick fool trying to breathe in his lover’s scent. That’s what the books say anyway. So that’s what she imagines. Imagines her soul free, hair wild, eyes heavy, heart light, body drunk in the melody of laughter. Imagines herself on the edge of the world, arms stretched wide, feet one step away from oblivion, the wind dancing around, wrapping her in a lover’s embrace, whispering sweet nothings into her ears, invisible lips ghosting against the tips, close enough to send ripples of pleasure down her spine. She imagines herself reciprocating, giving back to the wind the words she has kept buried within, strings of emotions carried through her lips to the one lover she knows will listen. Listen and keep the secrets. Reassurances and validations, the wind gives them all.