I cannot help but wonder why sometimes, actually most of the time, when I look into the mirror, I see a very ugly woman. I rarely feel attractive, even though I am told by both men and women I am.

Then, there are times, though very few, I look into the mirror, I see a not-so-ugly woman, not beautiful, not gorgeous, or pretty, but not ugly either. I even think to myself, why do I feel like I am so ugly?

I rarely like photographs of myself, and don’t post many for that reason.
In my younger years I was a size 10. I was that size all the way through high school. My weight started out at about 98 pounds when I was in junior high. by the time I started my Freshman year of high school, I was up to 110, but still very thin. My big ass is what caused me to wear a 10. I got compliments from guys sometimes telling me I had a pretty ass, and you know what? I did! It was perfect, so I had at least that one good attribute if nothing else!

I didn’t have boobs, and guys that age really love boobs. I didn’t have a lot of boyfriends. I dated some, but not to the extent a lot of my friends did. I was okay with that, and still am. I was pretty selective about who I would go out with being that I was the daughter of a Baptist minister, and I had been brought up in a strict Christian home.

I got taunted about being a preacher’s kid. I was often told that PK’s are the worst of the worst. I wasn’t, and I found their taunts hurtful, but I had been made fun of in my grade school years before that. You’d think I’d be used to it by then. I had my Daddy’s ears which stuck out, my Mama’s long nose, my teeth are the shape of my Dad’s, and I have his Irish skin and rosacea (thanks, Dad!). I’ve been told most of my life that I look like my Dad. While I do bear a resemblance to him, I think I also favored my Mama’s sister, may she rest in peace.

Being that I inherited my Daddy’s protruding ears, I was called names like monkey ears or Dumbo. I have my Mama’s long nose, and was sometimes called banana nose. For the record, my Mama was and is beautiful. Because I was so thin, I was told if I stood behind a telephone pole and stuck out my tongue, I’d look like a zipper. When I started wearing glasses, it became four-eyes.

In high school, my long-time boyfriend and I were walking down the hall one day, and his older brother stopped us to talk. He got to talking about my chest size saying I was a pirate’s dream. I asked him how he figured that, and he said, “You know, a sunken chest!”

You don’t ever forget things like that, you just don’t. His remark made me feel even worse about myself, and then he had the unmitigated gall to ask me to be his girlfriend after his brother and I broke up! Umm...no, I don’t think so!

Children can be quite cruel, and I attribute the unkindness to me when I was younger to my very low self-esteem now. I have tried very hard to overcome it, but try as I might, I have not been able to. I have many very dear friends who are most complimentary, but the little voice inside me tells me they don’t really mean it, they are just being nice.

I know in my heart of hearts, the majority of them do mean what they say. I am deeply grateful for their love and support. In the meantime, I am not giving up on myself because God is not done with me yet!~

Suzanna Jayne