It's 4:19am where I am, and I have one constant thought floating through my head... Sadness.

It's been a rough couple of years for me, as I'm sure it has been for many people. And I want to make sure I say that I'm not saying this because I need pity, or attention. And I realize a lot of people have much bigger issues in life than feeling numb, being heartbroken (because of themselves), feeling abandoned, alone, worthless. They have more critical problems than chronic depression and anxiety, but that doesn't change the fact that I have what I have, and it's okay to acknowledge it.

It is OKAY to be NOT okay.

It has taken me an immense amount of time to realize this. I preach it to all of my friends but most days it is hard to remind yourself of this. So, very soon after feeling down, you learn to smile through it.

I know what it feels like to crumble beneath the surface.
I know what it feels like to be surrounded by your closest friends and find that their is more distance than you'd ever like to admit.
I know what it feels like to find yourself awake, late at night, in a river of tears over the loss of someone-- sometimes, even the loss of yourself.

But I also know what it feels like to realize, you're alive for a reason. Alone or not, you deserve this life. It is in your power to be happy.

Ask yourself this:

  • Are you happy?
  • If the answer is yes, then keep doing what you're doing
  • If the answer is no, then ask yourself this--

Do you want to be?

  • Again, if its no, keep doing what you're doing
  • Now, if it is yes... then, CHANGE SOMETHING.

The title of my favorite book:

What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire by Charles Bukowski. It has saved me from my self on countless occasions. The title resonates with me. I have been in hell fire for days at a time, weeks at a time, for months at a time, years at a time. But the way I see it, it's not about looking at it as my tragedy, it's about looking at it as my strength.

Find something that is impactful enough to keep you going for at least one more day. Then, do it, or read it, or say it... EVERY DAY. Remind yourself why your feelings matter.

I came to a realization today.

You have to want to live for yourself. I always find myself saying "Get out of bed so dad doesn't worry today", or "you have too many "friends" who would blame themselves if you decided that your life wasn't worth saving, so fight one more day". Yes these thoughts are helpful day to day, but what am I doing to be happy and healthy, always? What am I going to do for the long term? Well aren't these the questions we are constantly trying to answer. It is up to us to realize our worth.

It is up to me to put my faith in myself.
It is up to me to wake up each day and decide to fight, until it doesn't hurt so much.
It is up to me to stay alive.
It is up to me to live FOR MYSELF.

It is up to you to live for yourself.

Don't just sit back and accept the pain, wounds don't heal unless you clean them.

Put antiseptic ointment on those spots that hurt, burn, cause teary-eyed conversations with your mother or father or even yourself in that bathroom mirror, cover them with a band-aid to get through the next couple of days, but don't leave it covered. Let it breathe at some point. And I swear, it will begin to heal.

You and me, we are not ever alone in our feelings.

Do it for you.
This life is for you.

Now, live.