this is more for me. personal and from the heart. a lot of you won't understand. some of you might.

my heart is in pieces. and every single passing day new pieces break off. one day my heart will grind up into fine grains of sand and no one will ever be able to fix them again.

it's happening again.
and again.
and again.
and it just.

i want to stop the pain. but it's impossible to do when the cause of this pain is standing right in front of me. i wish i could say this pain is easy to handle, but i'd just be lying to you all. and i don't lie. i don't lie about what i feel. i may lie when people ask if i'm ok, but that's to protect myself. to shield myself from the dangers of everyone and everything.

i don't want to feel this way. i never asked for any of this. if i was asking for this i'd be asking for attention, and that's definitely not what i want. i want to be normal. like any normal teenager who lives a normal life and doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything. i want to be that carefree girl in the back of the class who doesn't care about any of the criticism. i want to be her. but i'm not her.

i'm the girl who sits in the middle of the classroom to avoid being the suck-up, but also avoids being the "bad girl" i'm the girl who pretends that the criticism doesn't hurt when in reality, it feels like a 200 pound wrecking ball hurling towards me and hitting right on the head. i'm the girl who openly compliments everyone, no matter their race, religion, sexual orientation. but i never expect anything back, nor do i care. and if someone compliments me back, i will never believe it, even if they're the closest friend i have. which i don't have any close friends.

at this point, i don't know where i'm going with this article. it's not a "motivational speech" of any kind. it's like a cake. with no decorations (a diary with no details/context). i just want to be normal. but i just want to be different at the same time. i want to be something that i'm not. i feel like that's the only way to be happy. and i guess it's true, if only i could be this person i wish i was. but i'm not even close.

if you've read this far, i truly don't know why you did. there's really nothing important or significant about what i'm writing. i just like to write out my feelings. even if they don't make any sense to anyone.

i'm sorry if you thought this was boring or not worth your time. i never asked you to read this in the first place.