Okay so....i wrote this a couple nights ago while having a panic attack and i figured that i could put it up here so anyone who feels the same way could relate and know that they ARE NOT ALONE. So, here goes:

Empty. That's it. That's how i feel. I don't know what on earth possessed me to even write this. Or what is keeping me from walking downstairs right now and swallowing the entire bottle of Fluoxitine. Maybe part of me still cares. About life and living. About waking up and seeing the trees and sun tomorrow morning. But i know for sure that person is long gone. I don't even know who this person is now. Is this really me? No.

Maybe God is actually up there somewhere watching me, and is the real reason I'm still alive right now. At least that's what my grandmother says. But if he is.....why doesn't he save me from this deep, dark, sadness. From those thoughts of death and blood and jumping of a bridge. Maybe he just doesn't care. I mean, i am just one other person out of the other 7 billion on Earth. I don't blame him. I'm not all that special. I'm not all that smart, or talented.

Truly, no one cares unless you're pretty or dying. I am neither, at least on the outside. On the outside I'm just some awkward teenage girl who makes people laugh sometimes. Who laughs with them because no one is truly depressed on the outside. Right? They just laugh, and smile, and hide the fact that they cry themselves to sleep most nights. That they have to go to therapy on Thursdays just so they're mom feels better about leaving them home alone. That they have a huge crush on a girl that all their friends hate, including their mom, and cant even help it. Because believe me, they've tried. They've tried so fucking hard to stop, and it doesn't help that their crush leads them on by kissing them and telling them that she loves them. Yet truly...they don't. Because there she is, walking to her boyfriend with a smile on her face and her arms wide open. But hey, maybe she does love you, but probably not. Besides, why would she? You're just some weird "straight" chick that no one truly loves "like that".

You've never experienced love before so how would you know right? You cant. Its not like you can talk to anyone about this either, because, once again, everyone you could talk to hates her. So you just keep it all in and cry at night. Just quiet enough so that no one can hear you, but loud enough that whatever God up there can. Hell, you'll probably do it tonight.

I will.

Okay, so there it is. I.....I don't really know what to say after it though. I do want to encourage people out there that if you feel this way that it is okay, everyone gets depressed sometimes. But if its to the point where you do want to kill yourself, then get some type of help.Call the suicide hotline. Or to some adult you trust. And i know, i know, i'm starting to sound like a guidance counselor at your school, but its true. And you might not feel like you have no real purpose on this earth, so i am here to tell you that you do. Find one, no matter how big or small it is. Even if its as simple as "Well someone has to feed my dog tomorrow morning" or "I helped that guy in English class out by letting him borrow a pencil". It does not matter at all. Because you do matter, truly. And you are loved. Might not be from the person that you want it to come from what believe me....it comes from somewhere. Even from some quirky girl on the internet (i'm talking about meeee). Love you all! Peace <3