inspring. that's what you are to me. in you i found what i was missing in my life. not you as an addition, a mere distraction or filling a hole.
no. from you i learned the mindset to live life right.
and all the love you give heals all the old wounds in my selfreflection and selfworth. the mistakes in how i treat myself. all the stuff that made me unhappy, i'm slowly descaling my heart. getting it back to soft and fluffy. able to feel. there's always the chance to get hurt. and that is part of life. the harder the emotions, the better.
be vulnerable, be honest. be yourself.
tame the ego, free the soul.

i'm home, after two days of partying, after spending some hours with bae afterwards. leaving him so soon always crushes my soul a bit. but this time i smiled when i waved him goodbye. when i went out the door he handed me two buds, packed in a cigarette foil sealed with a lighter. one of them is in my vaporizer right now, waiting to get lit and inhaled. the playlist is ready, its almost 1 am.
i tap on "shuffle" and "le cle de champs" starts playing.
"the key to success"... following your soul and doing your thing. thats it. we all heard it before but maybe we arent good listeners.
light it up!
fuzzy in the throat. breath out and watch the smoke fade. smoke, steam and haze are some of the things i like to look at the most and which always seem to fascinate me. it's real but still you cant touch it, can't cage it. just like the sky and everything that happens up there, the sunrises and sunsets, the clouds and the stars.
the smoke is free. and in this case, it also frees your mind.
i suck again. but i dont suck.
i also dont suck anyones dick.
we have sex, the kind of sex thats more like "making love" than "fucking".
i guess i wouldn't call it "making" though, because the love is already there.
so let's say i... apply love with someone. and this someone is only one specific person.
and it's the craziest experience, just pure magic. i love it, he loves it and i love that he loves it. and the other way around.
you don't do this stuff because you want somebody to like you.
it's simply that i'm happy when he is happy. that's why. that's how it works. that's the definition of love.
not "when someone else's happiness is more important than your own".
that's more like the result. it's actually "when someone elses happiness is your happiness."
and not only in a romantic context,
love is everywhere.
every time the good things in life make us happy we're full of love.

i would have never thought that kissing could be so wonderful. soft, tingling, juicy, calming and adventurous at the same time. so much giving, enjoying, feeling, understanding. we're floating on the same wave. a wild wave, taking us on a trip through the deep ocean of emotions. last time i went home from him i cried. because saying goodbye hurts. and i cant help it. no hard feelings, huh?
oh fuck it.., this is life! these hard feelings are what make it a good life. we dont have any obligations as humans, other than not hurting anyone. all you have to do, to do it right, is following your soul. your true feelings. and feel them. notice any colourful second. tap your potential and swim in it. dip into the world with all your senses, explore, understand, enjoy. use all the input you can get.
and give all the output you can give. create what your mind invents. your mind is the source to creating. creating your own life. you are your own god.

the more transparent these walls that separte your mind from the world are, the more alive you feel. you'll see and feel all the wonderfull things around you that you have been ignoring.
you can show your true self to anyone and they will be able to understand you and connect with you. you can get clear about what you want to pursuit and chase your dreams.
and catch them.

when i was a kid i used to play wii with my best friend. there was a game where you get the percent of apliance you have with someone by answering questions. one question was "should you stop when it's at its best?" and we looked at each other. smiled. it was clear we would both say no. i didnt even get why there was another option. why would you want to do that?
but now, five years later, i found something out. about life.
i actually do this like all the time. i mean, realising the big truths about life. and it doesnt happen automatically, you have to put work and effort in it.
on a long and also sometimes painful way i understood that you have to stop at the highest point. or slightly before. you'll never know if it could get higher, better. but the problem is, when you go further, you'll fall. because life is a sinus wave. up and down. after the highest point, it falls down again. you'll always get back from the highs, it's called gravity, it pulls you down.

the sad thing is, i cant have you. no matter how perfect we fit.
we will have to say goodbye in a year. we already know. it wasn't even a decision, it is a fact. just the circumstances getting in the way. it has to be that way, we know it, we accept it. but we dont feel like we could unfold all the magic that is hidden in us, and only gets set free by the other one, in such a short time. we would miss the best.
but, you know what they say... or more like what i say.
don't wait till your on the downward part of the rollercoaster
but its so fucking hard, it feels impossible. goes against what i want. but desire usually leads to burn, if you reach to touch the flame.
when i say "follow your soul", i don't mean "do what you want" i mean "do what you know is right".
and those things tend to differ.
that's the hard part.