"It's gonna hurt" I said after hearing your confession. You were so excited back then, so young and naive. You looked at me confused but refusing to get that annoying smile off of your face.
"What do you mean?"
"When I break your heart". You pretended you didn't hear me because it was easier for you that way, lost in your baby pink dream of what love was.
I was pretty sure love wasn't for me back then. Not because I couldn't feel it, I could. But as soon as someone liked me back, it was gone. "It was just a crush" I thought, "he wasn't the one".
But when you told me you loved me I decided to go with it. Maybe I could learn to love you, maybe if I spent enough time with you I could force myself to love you back. And after a couple of weeks, I thought I did. As I kissed your lips and held your hand I thought "Damn, this is love".

kiss, love, and couple image

But oh, was I wrong. I wasn't in love with you, I was in love with the idea of you. In my head you were the perfect boyfriend, the reason why all the girls were jealous of me, the guy that had my back for better and for worse. "That's just how he is", I thought every time you got mad over nothing. "He is jealous because he loves me", I said to myself every time you mentioned that my guy friends were trouble and that I should stop talking to them. I was strong but you made me weak, weak enough to need you to hold my pieces together. You insulted me with the only purpose of making me feel useless so that your pretty words would sound prettier after our fights. I had my feelings hidden in the deepest parts of me but you opened my heart like it was nothing and you made a mess with what you found inside.

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Years went by and without even noticing I had become used to being with you and merely the thought of not having you was terrifying. Even if it wasn't always pretty, you were my boyfriend and our love was something I felt I had to protect.
Until one spring afternoon, when I was laying in your arms as you hugged me and told me you loved me, I realized I felt nothing. The rush of love and adrenaline, the desire to keep you by my side, the excruciating pain of the idea of you leaving me, it was all gone. "I love too" I said mimicking your words but feeling nothing at all.

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And one day I finally told you it was over. You cried your eyes out in front of me, you apologized and promised me you would change. But empty words meant nothing to me. And even if it was true, there was nothing worth saving. Because as your tears ran across your face, I looked at you expressionless, no pain, no sadness, no nothing. Only the feeling of relief deep inside of me, I was free.

grunge, dark, and save image

"I warned you." I said, not trying to justify my actions.
You looked at me in shock and I could see in your eyes that after all that time you hadn't forgotten what I said to you that day.
Anyone could say I'm heartless because that day, seeing you cry and plead in front of me, I didn't flinch once. Not because I was a bitch who never cared about you, but because I used to care about your feelings more than I cared about mine and you played with that. I'm sure it was fun for you, seeing me run around in the palm of your hand. It surely wasn't for me.
But don't worry now, for I have grown. If there's something I learned from our time together is that I should love myself the way I loved you. And for that I will be forever grateful.