I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
My life is... perfectly normal. Sometimes, I think I'm not normal... like, not enough.
I wake up, I go to school, I talk with my friends, I listen, I write, I think. Then I go back to my house, I eat, I talk, I listen, I think, I sleep. And then, it's the same thing. Again and again. Of course there's a lot more details but it's not enough.
Sometimes, I think how scary this is. I hope, secretly, I hope that I'm special. But it's not the truth. I'm not special. I'm not especially cute or beautiful, nor am I smart or even sportive. I'm just boring. I'm watching my own life, thinking that it's a boring life, that I love it as much as I hate it.
And then, there's this voice in my head, a deep voice. "C'mon, don't be such a child. There's people dying out there, hoping that they will one day have a life like yours".
And I really feel awful when I think "well, yeah, but me? am I going to be happy, one day, in this monochrome life?". I shouldn't think about me. Life isn't about me, it will never be. I should spend my life thinking of others. And I try. Really. But I can't do it. It's way more stronger than I am. And even if I try to pretend I'm strong, I know I'm not.
I'm not as good as I want to be. I'm not as perfect as I want to be. I'm lazy, but I want things to change. And I want things to stay the same because I'm afraid.
But am I afraid of everything? I'm afraid of being ordinary. I'm afraid of not-being special for someone. I'm not that special girl who's gonna make you shiver everytime you look at her. I'm the second choice. I've always knew it. And it's somehow driving me crazy.
So I just read, and write, and I just copy what others do. When they laugh, I laugh too. But sometimes, in the middle of a joke, I just think "am I really laughing ? or is it just me, doing what others do?" and the answer scares me. I don't want to think about all of this. But as the same time, I want answers.
Maybe I'm a paradox. But maybe I'm thinking that, hoping to be more than I am.