I've always wanted to write about this topic because is such a big thing in my life.

I don't know if this will help or somehow make it worse. All I know is that I need to let all this out, because keep in it to myself it is not the best...

This is my now, not my then. Honestly I don't like talking about "the origin story" of my "bad brain days" (that's how I call them by the way, it makes them less scary).

I feel invicible, not in the way where a friend didn't replay to a text or something like that.
I'm WAY beyond that.

What I mean is that I feel like a ghost. I'm here but I'm not really here. Get it? It's quite hard to explain, but I can't be the only person to ever feel this way... Right?

Someone told me I should get more involved with people, but that's part of the problem.

The more I try to reach out, the more left out I feel.

I know I'm not the centre of the universe (I don't think I'm the centre of my own), so I know people are busy with their own life and problems... Yet it'll be so nice to have someone to talk to without feeling like I annoy them and they should be doing more important stuff...

As soon as I text someone, I feel guilty about it because how dare I, to interfire with their life just because I need to reassure that I exist!?

At the end it doesn't eve matter because they either don't replay or just say "can't talk now, I'll call you later"... Obviously they never do.

Months go by and no one ever checks on me... And when we finally see eachother, I have to pretend they didn't break my heart and haven't been ignoring me.

Why don't you cut those toxic friendships? You may ask.

Simple: They are the only friends I have... Even when we only talk twice a year, they're the only ones I have... So what else should I do?

Over the years I've been getting better at stoping this thoughts, but now that I'm restarting university, it's gotten so much worse!

I'll stop this post now, but if you've been reading and understand how I feel, maybe we could be friends?

With love,