You have your plan about a perfect life. You want to move to your own place. You want to be a wife, you want to have kids and have a job you will enjoy. You have everything planned already.

But I’m not like you.

I don’t have a plan. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what will I do when I’ll finish university. I don’t have a stable home. I don’t know if I will ever want kids because I can’t think that far.

I always had this thought in my head about killing myself and I still do. When I was 15 I told myself I’ll do it when I finish secondary school, so my mom would be happy that I graduate. But then everything suddenly turned from worse to better. I decided to go to university to make my mom happy. And now here am I at 2AM telling myself that when I finish uni I will do it. You know why? Because I still keep a little hope that things may turn to good for me. But just maybe.

I’m not like you and I will never be.

Because I want people around me to be happy even if I can’t be. I want them to be proud even if I can’t feel that way. I care about their happiness more than I do about mine. But that okay ‘cuz maybe that's the reason I was born to.

- Katty

- my thoughts around Jul, 2016