So I'm new to this.
Recently I have been looking back at old entries and when I realized that my eyes would likely be the only ones to ever read my words I felt strange about it. Out of curiosity, I thought I would try out this article thing. I don't expect people to read this or even enjoy it but maybe someone might relate to it. I am no eloquent writer by any means. I am just a girl who writes when she is met with intense emotions. You may notice my entries may be poorly written and may have typos but this is because these words are raw. These words came from me at some of my lowest points, when my fingers would type almost without me knowing what they were attempting to express. I don't feel I have anything to lose with sharing this and I doubt anyone will bother reading this so here goes.

July 9, 2016 11:00pm

I cry often. Mostly at night but I can during the day as well. I'm used to it I suppose. I guess I'm just an "emotional" person which I've been told is a good thing. It's a good thing for others, the reasoning was confusing but in its own way it made some sense. Being so emotional over important to even trivial things "helps" others realize to appreciate things better. It's a good thing for others. It helps others. Is it helping me though? Is it a good thing for me to be so damn emotional? One second I feel empowered, amazing, as if I could do anything I set my mind to! It's really a beautiful feeling that I wish I could have in me at all times. But I can't sadly. At random times I lose it. Next thing I know I want to cry. I want to sob as loud as possible for as long as possible. I start to feel immense heaviness and sadness. I'm nothing in the world, I can't do anything, I'll never get anywhere. I was put on this world to help others. That's truly how I feel. I always help others but I can never help myself. Those were the terms for my existence. I must be a shoulder to cry on, a friend to trust, a person to pour your feelings and your troubles to, a person to help you reach your happiness. But my happiness that's completely out of the question and I have to learn to accept that? Deep down I don't want to, deep down that feeling of being able to do anything lingers within me when I get down. I want to be happy too, I have things to share, feelings to pour, and happiness to be achieved. With such sudden crashing waves of different emotions I really don't know what is the right thing to think. I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to be nothing. I want to be as human as any other person with as many opportunities as any other beautiful being. But why do I feel different from everyone else? What if I'm not like everyone else and therefore don't deserve certain things? Is that why people leave me? Because I don't deserve them as well? So many people have stopped by and put a smile on my face. They have allowed me to let out moments of laughter that are each so special they can only be experienced once. I'm grateful to each and everyone one of those dear travelers. It was too bad they were just stopping by. I wished to have had them by me even just a little longer. What did I do wrong? Why did they leave? I know I'm not exactly the smartest, or funniest, or most interesting, or most surprising but I always hoped you'd realize I was different and that that would be enough for you to stay. There is good in me. Things yet to be discovered. Things yet for me to share. I needed you even for just a little longer. Biggest fear: being alone. There was a time where I wasn't on good terms with a few friends. Simply a few friends but everything seemed to be crumbling before me and I endured so much pain in that time. So much it began to seem physical as well as mental. My heart hurt so much. The thought of losing one more person scares me more than anything. You would think I'd get used to it by now. I mean I've already lost plenty of people what's one more. One more is too much more. I'm tired. That always seems to be the case right. It's just that I'm tired of a lot. Certain things you can never get used to. Certain things only get worse over time and hurt incredibly more. Why do I ask so many questions? You see there's another. I adore questions though. It's incredibly strange and interesting how one simple phrase with a question mark at the end can change so much. So many questions have changed how I feel and who I am. Questions are beautiful, scary, thrilling, and life-changing. They are what will help me find the answers I'm looking for. Or maybe they are what will take me down. I'll find out in the end because the questions are not done after tonight. There's too much waiting to be answered. I tried to answer only a few of them tonight. As always trying to find the answer has helped calm me down. For now at least.

- J.G