Around three years ago, shyly you asked if you could come inside our classroom while you were standing by our door, we openly said that "yes you can" since it's pretty much open to everyone. The moment you came, I watched your figure as it slowly passed by, not knowing why, I followed you until you crossed this wall with our pictures on it, you asked, "why aren't you here?" as you looked at me in the eyes and covering half of your face with your hand, I replied with a giggly voice, "that's just because I'm shy." You only looked around our room, you never noticed it's cracks and holes because it never occurred in your mind. And then you asked my name, I gladly told you so, when it was my turn to ask, instead of answering you ran away, that's why I had to ask my classmate your name. The moment he answered, your name has been tattooed in my mind and I always thought it was perfect for you. Days, weeks, months have passed, we never talked again, it sort of felt like it was our first and last conversation, until such time came, I opened my Facebook and I saw your name, you send me a friend request,so I confirmed it. During that time, I had a different boy in my heart, someone that I've been wanting to call mine, and someone that was brilliant in numbers, yes, I told you how much I liked him, I told you how I have this ray of hope in my heart that someday he may like me as well, but I never knew that the person in your heart was me. I was a member of our school publication and so were you, we'd go on meetings together but not sit beside each other, you were a cartoonist and I was a writer, at such a young age I was aiming to become the editor in chief, and you were there willing to support me. Months went on, we only chatted, until I asked you out of the blue, "do you like someone?" and so you told me about her, I felt happy for you at that time, but then you told me, "I'm chatting with her right now, she only has two letters in her name, and it starts with L. If you still haven't figured it out, it's you." My heart skipped a beat, my cold fingers trying to type a reply, instead of saying something else, I just laughed and asked when did it start. Until I developed feelings for you and we became this thing called, "MU" which stands for Mutual Understanding, since you like me and I like you, we stayed in that label for a few months, 'til you asked me to finally make it official, the kid inside me started to feel butterflies but the maturity in me was hesitating whether I should go for it or no, I had very small faith in God, I never asked Him for a sign, I never asked Him whether I should say yes or no to you, but I had faith in myself, and so I said yes, we made it official. A month has passed, we stayed behind closed doors, denying us in front of our close friends, we only wanted our love for ourselves.
Summer came, we had to be apart, you needed to take summer classes at this learning center that specializes in Mathematics, although you were already great at it, you had to say yes to your parents and obey them, as for me,I only watched kdrama's, until I came across this series called, "Doctors or Doctor's Crush", it was then where I realized that I should've said no at you, I should've kept my feelings and made my walled stronger, I should've let you outside the door not giving you the key nor permission to come in.
I loved you so damn much but I had to let you go, I felt like everything was wrong, darling, I had to let you go. So I told you how much I loved you for the last time and so I had to say goodbye, I wished you held me back, I was hoping you'd stop me from going, I was hoping you'd hold my hand and say, "there's nothing wrong with what we have" or maybe, you should've said, "I'll wait until you come back." For two years, I was seeking God, seeking for answers to all my whys, I went to church and attended bible studies during Wednesdays, maybe God called me to let you go because I was starting to lose Him, I was starting to stray away from Him so damn much.
For two years, I started to understand His reasons.
To the boy I once loved, thank you for everything, I apologize for not being able to hold on. I miss our late night conversations about the future, I miss the way you'd hold my hand, I miss how you'd talk to me about your insecurities, I miss everything about us, but darling, everything happens for a reason, if I could turn back time and rewrite our story, it would've never ended that way. But maybe there's a purpose as to why I felt everything was wrong, I loved you and I lost my mind, I lost a lot of things, but I gained you, I had you, but that doesn't guarantee anything.
To the boy I once loved, how I wish you could read this, how I wish this would reach you, but no. Two years have passed, finally I gained what I was missing, but you never returned, instead you loved another, you found another, while I'm all alone by myself. You cross my mind everyday, I'd scream and shout why it had to end that way, but darling, I never had any regrets, I never regretted meeting you and falling in love with you, instead, I thought of it as a blessing in disguise. Thank you for stopping by and making me realize a lot of things, I can see that you're much happier now with her, I know someday I'd be happier with someone else too. You will always be a blessing to me, I may deny what we used to have, I'm still thankful for it.
Take good care of yourself, someone loves you, someone appreciates you, just because you got hurt once, it doesn't mean you should stop believing in love, it doesn't mean you should stop falling in love. I'm sorry for hurting you, but looking back at it, you should be thankful too. What we had was honestly toxic for the both of us, you just never knew because you loved too much, too much that you thought your whole world only revolved around me, and I hated that thought, I hated how suffocating it was.

To the boy I once loved, I found you, but I lost myself.