you're driving me crazy. you're driving me fucking crazy. and you're not doing anything. maybe that's why. you meant nothing to me when i had you and now you mean fucking everything and i don't know why. i thought i wasn't sad over you - i thought this feeling would pass sooner. but it's been like 4 whole months and i can't fill this part of me that i think you might of left and now there's a hole that can't be filled unless it's you. and what sucks even more is that i know you will never ever fill it but where does that leave me? i tell myself i'm strong so often that i believe it but i really don't think i am. i should be over you by now. i shouldn't have cared in the first place. but i think i'm in pain right now. i think i've been in pain for a long time and when you came along i wasn't anymore but as soon as you were gone the pain is so much more and i'm in denial. you wouldn't understand. i don't even understand it. logically it shouldn't matter. you're not a 10/10 and i don't even know enough to judge if you're personality is worth it. so why the fuck do i care? and i haven't seen you since you told me we were better off as friends. well before that actually, because you ended it on text. and that's not even a dick move because we weren't even anything enough to be "ended". and you were nice enough about it too. you made sense. but it makes me sick inside and my stomach is a whirlwind and you make my head spin and spin and spin like my mind is trying to escape me and i'm dizzy and i don't know what to think and i can't slow down and for some reason you make me fucking crazy. i forget what you really look like most of the time. which is why seeing photos of you might as well be 3000 jabs to my insides at once. although i don't think i could ever forget that one smile. whenever i even think about you i feel sad. so so sad. but everything makes me sad so does that even matter? i guess you could just blend right into everything else i've lost. like it's not actually you it's just the fact i lost someone. because i've lost a lot of friends as well. more specifically i've lost them all. i guess i'm a bitch. when i think back on things lately it doesn't feel like i've really lived it. i feel like i've been high this whole time. even now. like i'm not really all there. and i know i'm not actually high. but i feel like a part of me isn't in it anymore. part of me isn't alive anymore. i am not really living anymore. my body is alive. my brain works, my heart's beating and my leg's are walking me, but i don't feel alive really. i feel dead on the inside. i feel like the inside of me is dying and it wants to take me with it and it's whispering in my head and it's tearing my insides apart trying to take me down and eating up everything inside of me and now i am empty. and it's sucking me in. i'm caving into myself. i'm falling and falling down and it's just pulling me and no one's noticing that i might need help. i'm not noticing. and it's making emptiness seem so enticing right now. i want nothingness. i want blackness. i just want nothing. i think i'm mistaking nothingness with you. i'm comparing the blissful end of everything to you, and that part of me has convinced myself that if i can't have nothingness, you will save me. and if i can't have you, i want nothing. and my mind, like an evil manipulating witch has tricked itself into believing it, a wonderful tragedy. i have convinced myself that you are my sole purpose of happiness. that you will save me. simply because if that isn't true, what is? what else is there to make me happy?
because it's you. it's always been you and it will always be you. even when it's not you my brain finds a way to make it so. when i think i've gone a few days without thinking of you i realise that isn't true because everything is you. i remember seeing that girl who knows you on the bus today and it reminded me of you and when i used to speak to her about you with such hope of us. and i was so incredibly happy about you and i was nervous and excited and not sure where we were going but i never thought it would end this way, and so abruptly. i remember seeing an ad for a show we would put on together when we kissed on your couch and even though it was funny then i can't watch it anymore without longing for what we did when it was on. it was one of our very few jokes we had together. i'm constantly replaying that day in my head, wondering what went wrong and aching for how it all felt right, and everything feels so wrong now and it's crazy how much i want you. it's crazy that i'm sitting on my toilet at 9:30 on a friday night writing word vomit about the way i feel about you. when i know damn right, like every other friday night, you're out getting with girls i know and dancing and laughing and having the time of your life and you're not thinking about me. i can almost guarantee you never thought of me other than with regret and maybe even disgust. but hey, that makes both of us. you ruined me.