Hi Everyone! I know I should have been done with the 30 Day Writing Challenge days ago. There's a reason why I haven't been here in a while and that is because my puppy passed away a week after bringing him home. Turns out he was born with something unfixable that caused him to have seizures and well I did not want him to keep suffering. There's not a day that goes by where I do not think of him but I know he is in a better place now ♡ Just thought I would let you all know that I will finish this challenge before this month ends 👍 Today is all about my "first love" (I will refer to him as "cake"). I will not say his name due to Youtube purposes but he knows who he is.

I met my first love at the age of 14 in 2009, through social media while dating an ex. At that time Cake was just a friend on Combat Arms (a pc game). I had never met him in person before we just talked through there and eventually it led to us adding each other on Myspace. It got to the point where we would talk all day and even stay up until 3am talking. He would listen to me and care about what I had to say. I saw him as a friend since I had a boyfriend at the time. One day my current boyfriend was trying to take things too fast and I decided to break it off. I stayed single for a while.
Cake would try to talk to me and cheer me up, it eventually worked.

The main reason why I was skeptical dating him was because we still didn't meet in person (we had been talking to each other for a couple of months already). We then realized we lived many miles away, he lived in California while I lived in Chicago. I told myself that I was not going to let distance dictate who I want to be with although I was still young and he was 2 years older than me. Time went by and well we would argue like any other couple does. I trusted him enough not to cheat on me and it got to the point where I loved him with all my heart. I know I made mistakes here and there but nothing mattered more to me than him.

He was the reason for my happiness, sadness, anger, and just everything it is I ever felt. By this time we had been together for 4 years. I decided I needed to see him in person. I couldn't keep living not knowing if what we had was real. Cake and I both talked and well we decided I was going to go to California in July, I was 19 at the time. I was going with a mindset that this was what I needed to do, I was so afraid not because I was going by myself. I was afraid because I needed to know if this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

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I arrived to California hours later on a Monday I believe it was and my hands were shaky. I was going to meet my "first love," finally I thought. When I saw him it was like all air had left my lungs. He was there standing waiting for me to walk to him in his black jeans and colorful sweater. My heart was raising as I walked to him and when he hugged me all I could think of was FINALLY this is real, he is real. He was busy most of the time I was there since he had school and work which to me was understandable. We did go out to several places, got to meet ONLY 1 of his friends. I thought to myself am I an embarrassment to him that he doesn't want me to meet the rest of his friends? However, I chose to overlook it.

I was already reaching the end of my trip in California. We went to the beach the day before I left and saw something I wish I had never seen. My heart broke into a million pieces I could not believe this was actually happening. I saw a naked women with his beanie on her on his phone. I asked him "what is that?" He then told me "get in the car!" I kept asking him and he just opened the car door and demanded for me to get inside, so I did. Tears sprung into my eyes. I thought to myself how could I be so stupid to trust him for 4 years (keep in mind our 5 year anniversary is next week). He then took me to an Ihop and we were seated in a booth. The waitress came over and looked at him "what would you like to order?" he then told her what he wanted. She then turned and looked at me and asked me the same question which I answered with "I don't want anything thank you". She then asked me "are you okay?" I said "yes, where is your bathroom?". She told me and I walked away. When I came back to the booth he had ordered something for me which I didn't ask for but I'm glad I got because I was starving. We didn't talk about the picture again.

The day of my departure came. As we drove to the airport I remember listening to Paradise by Coldplay on the radio. Tears came to my eyes again as I realized what I had to do. We got to the airport and he walked me inside. I kissed him like I never had before knowing it would be the last kiss we would ever have. The airplane trip went by so quick before I knew it I was back in Chicago.

A few days went by and our 5 year anniversary day was today. I was so happy and excited because maybe he could convince me that it wasn't all over. The whole day went by not a single text or call from him. I told myself he's busy he will definitely message me before the day ends, he never did. I waited until 2am and decided to message him and his excuse to me was "sorry I didn't say happy anniversary some friends and I drove to Los Angeles and I was busy"(something similar to that). I then knew he didn't love me anymore at least not the same way I loved him.

I decided to break it off.

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There were little details in our relationship that pointed to him cheating on me but I believed his excuses. I say excuses because that's what they were.

Deep down in my heart I knew we would never make one another happy. I could not be the women he wanted me to become. He never loved me because when you love someone you don't break them into a million pieces. You don't keep making the same mistake over and over again. You cherish someone you love, you show them what it is they mean to you and you fight for them. You stay with them through thick and thin, in good times and bad times not just when it's convenient for you.

Thanks to him I put myself first and know my worth. I am a hardworking independent woman. I go for what I want and get it. Most importantly my first priority will always be God never again will I put someone before him.

I wish I could say "I wish nothing but the best for my "first love" but truth is I don't. Today if I saw him walking down the street I'd say stay on your lane and I will stay on mine, I do not know you and you do not know me."

It may seem to many of you that I am exaggerating but truth is what I said in this article is not half of the pain he caused me. He abused me emotionally, played with my emotions (I bet I am not the only girl he is doing this to), he manipulated me, caused my night terrors years later, and many more. That will be an a different article for another day.

I no longer try to think about the past because I have so much love and peace in my life now. If you have toxic negative people in your life stay away from them, you don't need them. Trust me.You are better off without them. If you ever need some advice feel free to send me a message (◕‿◕). Sending positive vibes your way, xo elipoise.

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