hey guys! i’ve written a few articles before but all of them were quite serious and didn’t exactly reflect me. don’t get me wrong: i love to write and help people, but i’m also joking 99% of the time and love to make others laugh - hopefully this will fulfil that purpose. i decided to write a kind of "parody" article that focuses on laughing and just comedy overall.
just to clear it out, this article is 100% for entertainment. i do not intend to hurt anyone’s feelings or ruin someone’s chances with their crush so yeah, don’t follow all these advice.
anyways, let’s get started!

tired of not having a cuddle buddy?
tired of being lonely in valentines day?
tired of not being able to steal guys’ hoodies?
all in all, tired of not having a boyfriend?

don’t worry! thus i’ve got the solution. if you follow these six easy peasy steps, you’re guaranteed to get a boyfriend! fast!!1!1!

► step 1: find your victim.

once you’ve set a target, introduce yourself. it’s preferable if you bump into them and spill their drink, or “accidentally” run over their pet and get them a new one as an apology! just make sure they won’t forget you

aesthetic, drink, and phone image

► step 2: stalk them.

go through all their social media and don’t be afraid to like posts from 2010! it will let him know you’re interested in him. find out absolutely everything they like, know their family to the point of remembering their great grandparent’s blood type and make sure to know everything about their life (former pets, exes, how many boogers they ate in kindergarten). you get bonus points if you sit outside their house for hours.

hair, girl, and braid image

► step 3: win the fam.

in other words: go to their house, call their mom, go to a game with their dad, buy treats for their dog but BEWARE: don’t let them find out!!! if the fam likes you, he will too! also pretend to have tons of money in case you need a plan b: arranged marriage. he’ll just learn to love you.

new york, baseball game, and photography image

► step 4: actually talk to him.

this one isn’t as important but meh. memorise his schedule and wait outside their swimming lessons at 4:00 p.m. on tuesday next to the drugstore. remember what he likes. for example, if his facebook said he enjoyed basketball, dress up as michael jordan! it’s better if he doesn’t know your real gender - he must love you for your personality, not your sex. extra tip: don’t be yourself, try to act like his clingy ex girlfriend and he’ll immediately be into you: if he was with her, he should be with you too!

joker, batman, and heath ledger image

► step 5: take off your michael jordan costume.

unless you’re in a private building, be sure to have more clothes to change into! you don’t want EVERYONE else to see you naked.

Basketball, michael jordan, and NBA image

► step 6: marry them.

that’s it!! easy peasy!!! if he rejects you - which is nearly impossible if you’ve followed these steps - then just go to plan b! arranged marriages were like a huge trend until the first half of the 20th century!

homer, the simpsons, and homer simpson image

► pro tips:
⁃ dress up like a guy his same gender and become his friend to know more about him - some things you can’t see from outside the window! don’t let him find out who you actually are tho
⁃ learn about what he likes. if he’s into star trek, search some enterprise fun facts and get some pointy ears like spock! pretend it’s just a coincidence that you two like the same stuff
⁃ steal their phone and block all the other girls
⁃ burn his house down and tell him he can stay in yours for a while!

soooo that was it! i hope you enjoyed and smiled at least a little bit. but yeah a quick real advice: never pretend to like something or be someone you’re not, specially just to impress someone! if they don’t love you for who you really are, it’s their loss.
here are my other articles if you’d like to check them out!