(i wrote this one a month ago so its actually the first one)hi i just want to write some stuff none of you have to read or respond i need to clear my head for i while(again yea its always full).So i prefer lux amethyst as a fake name( call me lux if you want to talk) because my fav movie is The Virgin Suicides and ofc fav characters is Lux and i love collecting gem stones actually ive been collecting them for the past 4 years even my ex bougth me one we dated at middle school then he cheated on me with my very bestfriend who's still is but we just dont speak:D(i forgive people a lot but not anymore)14 year old me couldnt take it because the only 2 people that i have at that age was them, things have been always fucked at home.My home never felt like home, i remember crying at the age 5 because my parents are so fucking violent for someone which is only started to develope mentally and physically.I grew up with no friends,by myself. Ive been through a lot like a lot it all started before i was born long story short i born with two kidneys but they refused to work till i became 4. Primary school suck no friends then i start cutting myself very early days of my 12. My middle school bf found that out while he was squeezing my hand to show some love, opened up my scars like they werent even scars yet cutted them before coming to school.We broke up things became more fucked then i graduate eventually and upgrade to the highest state of hell HIGHSCHOOL. ive became friends with my old classmates for 3 years and now i have no one. I suck at school.I used to have 2 very best friends, days never pass we without talking. we used to tell each other everything but i never talk about my family issues.I did ones and she told me you are making it so overdramatized arent you? i told her may be never mind(but i wasnt).Then at the start of this year my 2 members of friend group evolved and became 5 all of the sudden.Then somehow my very very very best friend stop talking to me then the other one and then the whole gang. I tried to call text talk everything but they keep ignoring my existence. For no reason im dead to them and its not fine i dont want to be lonely again i really dont i just cant i really miss them a lot i cant even explain they still mean world to me i stool two sets of antidepressants from my granny which im really regnet because she doesnt have alot income so she can barely pay for them.Those happy pills are the only possible way to end this suffering.I just cant. Writing this with tears are even makes it harder. For those who read this i didnt write it for pity myself i really need to talk to someone i havent been talking for a while its almost 5 am in where i live. Every damn night i sleep at 5-6 am to avoid my parents(im on 3 moths school breake for university examinations and winter holiday ofc)i woke up when they are about to go to sleep thats how my life goes. I always try this technique to avoid them in holiday breakes summer and winter ones. anyway if you read this thanks i dont know what else to say. oh and sorry if i made any mistakes like grammar english is not my motherlanguage