i have scattered thoughts, nobody will read this probably but i just need to spill some ink to help myself and maybe others.

i feel right now as if my life is falling apart. like, holding water in your hands and watching it slip through your fingers. i can't do anything about it, but the water is running.

although this sounds depressing, i'm turning to the concepts of "aesthetic" to cope. all i know right now is that i want to be seen as different and real. i need to possess that feeling of uniqueness.

i have so many plans. i always have ideas in my mind swirling and twirling and spilling out. I want to journal. i want to paint. i want to make music that is my own. i want to have a style and aura that inspires others. i try to begin these things, but it also slips through my fingers.

i cling to my faith and this keyboard. this keeps me going. i'm remembering that what people remember me for is my big heart. this keeps me going. i think about colors that i love, like crimson and yellow. i think about the underrated songs that are special to me, and visualize small cafes and driving shotgun in my best friend's car on a rainy day. the sunsets and beaches that i live on and take for granted. and most importantly, my decision to live by love. this keeps me going.

i'm inspired to live out these plans. i need to feel alive.